Spriggs: A Novelization
by MusicGamer
Summary: This is based off of "Spriggs: A Halo 3 Machinima" by Running Gun Studios. It follows the events that happen around Zambai Seven and its inhabitants. Rated M to be safe. This is my 1st fic, so...yeah. CHAPTER 9 pt 1 is up! R&R please!
1. Spriggs!

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Spriggs: A Halo 3 Machinima." Running Gun Studios does.**

**AN: Also, in case you haven't figured this out by now, this is based off of the Halo 3 Machinima known simply as Spriggs. It was made by Running Gun Studios and is one of my favorite Halo 3 machinima; Red vs Blue is my second favorite.  
**

**If you want a summary of "Spriggs," you might want to check the website (), because I suck at summarizing this stuff.**

**Okay, now on with the craziness!  
**

**Chapter One: "Spriggs!"**

"_Spriiiiiggs!_"

The furious cry echoed throughout the base known as Zambai Seven, drawing the attention of two other soldiers stationed there. Both of them looked around in alarm; Willy was apparently trying to kill Spriggs again.

"Why can't I touch you?!" the voice said again angrily.

Near the edge of the base, Willy, a soldier in yellow Mark VI armor, was standing on a rock, glaring at Spriggs and aiming a machine gun at him. Spriggs, also in Mark VI armor but colored red, looked up from his Mongoose at Willy for a moment. The incensed soldier had a look full of fury; Spriggs simply seemed amused.

Readying his gun, Willy shouted, "_Die, you son of a b -_ !"

The rest of his sentence was drowned out by the sound of loud gunfire. Triple M, a green Marine in a Hayabusa armor permutation, heard the gunfire and rushed into Hammer's office quickly.

"My God," said Hammer exasperatedly as the Specialist arrived, "_tell_ me that isn't Willy."

"I'd say he's up to automatics," said Triple M grimly, nodding.

"You have to go put a stop to this."

"Me? Why me?"

"It's your job," Hammer reminded him. "Chain of command, remember?"

"Bullshit, this is _your_ mess," Triple M told him. This was perfectly true: Hammer was the Lieutenant and also the highest-ranking officer stationed at Zambai Seven, so handling this was supposed to be _his_ responsibility.

Predictably, however, Hammer disregarded this fact and argued, "They're your men. I am _not_ going over your head."

"You're the Lieutenant! I'm not even a Sergeant!" Triple M pointed out frantically, realizing his mistake a second too late.

Hammer took advantage of his blunder. "That's a good point. Let's rectify that, shall we?"

As Hammer turned to the microphone connected to the base's PA system, Triple M knew that the white-armored soldier had him cornered.

"Aw, crap…"

------------------------

"**Attention**," Hammer's voice came in through the PA. "**Attention. Gentlemen of the Fifth Intergalactic Semi-Mechanized Infantry Battalion: It is my pleasure to announce the promotion of Triple M to Sergeant, effective immediately. Treat him with the respect you would show any other officer.**"

Of course, Willy and Spriggs wouldn't find out about this promotion until much later; at the moment, they were too busy fighting each other to pay any heed to the announcement.

----------------------

Turning the mic off, Hammer turned to Triple M, smirking. Triple M gulped. This wasn't going to end well.

Still smirking, Hammer ordered, "Now…Go stop your men."

In a vain attempt to get his way out of this, Triple M was reduced to simply saying, "No way. _No way. No. Effing. Way._"

"Do it," Hammer countered, "or I'll take a flamethrower to that collection of cartoon porn you love so much."

"For the thousandth time," Triple M reminded him, "it's not cartoon porn. It's called _anime_."

"Call it whatever you want," said Hammer dismissively. "It burns the same."

"I hope you die in a _fire_, Hammer," said the newly-promoted Sergeant angrily as he went to fix the "problem." _Again_.

Turning back to his work, Hammer said quietly, "Life's a bitch, M. Welcome to the officer corps."

-------------------

Wielding a rocket launcher, Willy jumped down onto his little "sniping" spot.

He watched Spriggs stop his Mongoose below the cliff and look at him, then he said, "It's been five years, but I fear, Mr. Spriggs, that we're coming to the end of things."

No response. _Typical, _Willy thought with malice. "Nothing to say, Spriggs? None of your classic wit or _insults_?" he said aloud. Still no reply. "Very well, then. As a personal favor, I promise not to maim you or anything lame like that if you just stand perfectly still…"

"What the hell are you thinking?" a voice asked behind Willy. Turning around, he saw Triple M, arms crossed and looking annoyed.

"I don't think, I _do_," Willy answered cryptically, exchanging his rocket launcher for a shotgun as he did so.

"What you _do_ is make our lives miserable," Triple M retorted.

"Did you hear what he called my mother? That woman is a _saint_."

"So now you're going to come up with some wacky scheme involving – " Triple M counted them off on his fingers. " – high explosives, giant spinning blades of doom, the odd violation of the laws of physics, several _tons _of express delivery packages – " He stopped, his rant bringing something home.

"Speaking of which," asked Triple M, "how do you get all this crap anyway? I can't get a roll of toilet paper from HQ…and you get everything but the kitchen sink!"

"Nah, I got the kitchen sink, too," Willy corrected his superior officer. "I told him it was padding for the Hornet or some crap like that."

Triple M stared at Willy. "Who the hell did you blow to get all - ?"

"Classified information."

Triple M hesitated, then decided to get back to the matter at hand. "You know what? Never mind. Point is, _it won't work_. You know it, I know it, _everyone_ knows it, but you're going to do it anyway."

"Already did it."

"Well, if you keep this up, you're going to lose it again," Triple M reminded him. "You remember what happened the last time you lost it?"

"No."

------------------

_It was just two days previously. Almost all of the vehicles were up in flames. One of them, probably a Mongoose, exploded, flew through the air in a ball of flame, then bounced off a wall and hit the ground with a crash._

_Elsewhere in the base, Willy was navigating a minefield that he had set up when he stepped on a landmine that exploded upon contact._

-------------------

Willy paused. "Are you questioning my patriotism?" he asked.

"Quote: 'I'll burn you all to get that son of a bitch?' Unquote? " quoted Triple M.

"He was asking for it!" said Willy defensively.

"But you missed him and hit _everything else!_" yelled Triple M, losing his patience for a moment. Calming down, he ordered, "Listen, just put the rocket launcher down before someone gets hurt."

Willy grumbled in assent, "Maybe for once you're right - " But Spriggs chose that moment to drive past and honk his Mongoose's horn twice.

Willy, evidently taking this as an insult, spluttered for a moment before taking out his rocket launcher again and shouting fiercely, "I'll kill you!"

Dodging the rockets that Willy was firing at Spriggs, Triple M shouted, "_Goddamn it, Willy!!"_

Willy, however, had grown deaf to Triple M's pleas as he continued to fire rockets at Spriggs, each one missing their mark.

------------

"Look, I know we have a troop shortage," Hammer said through the radio, hoping Command would get this one, "but we need more men." _That way, it'll hopefully be easier to restrain Willy…_ he thought. He snorted. He doubted that any amount of soldiers sent by Command would be able to hold Willy down; the former members of the Fifth weren't able to, anyway.

Looking out of the window, he saw Willy firing rockets at Spriggs again, with Triple M barely dodging them all. It took him a moment to notice that one of the rockets had flown astray…right in Hammer's direction.

_Aw, crap, _he thought just as the rocket hit its unintended mark.

Normally, this sort of thing isn't all that much of a problem; random explosions were kind of the norm around Zambai.

The only difference this time was that the room Hammer was in just so happened to be filled to the brim with _very_ explosive equipment. Which would explain why the explosion was five times more powerful - and painful - than usual.

Hammer was sent flying, his terrified scream interrupted when he hit a wall. "I need those…_Owwwww!_" he cried in pain as he fell off the ledge that he had landed on.

Triple M looked at Hammer, who was visible even from where he was standing. He then looked at the incensed Willy and laughed slightly.

"Well, at least you didn't hit anything _important_."

---------------------

**Author's note: Okay, this might not be perfectly accurate, but I did the best I could. Also, since this is my first fanfiction EVER, feel free to R&R, please.**

**If there's anything important that I'm required to add to it other than the disclaimer (like chapter summaries or whatever), let me know as well, because I'm slightly unfamiliar with doing this.**

**Again, Please review! The next chapter will hopefully come in as soon as I can work out the kinks (a.k.a. weird-sounding quotes).  
**


	2. House Call

**Author's Note: Alright, here's the second chapter. I managed to upload this and edit it during one of my breaks from studying for midterm exams. I know there are probably a couple of lines that I got wrong, but I did my best.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Spriggs: A Halo 3 Machinima." Running Gun Studios does.  
**

Chapter 2: House Call

General Vollin was doing her daily morning announcements, which were broadcast to all the bases under UNSC control. For some reason, she seemed pleased. More pleased than usual, if that's possible. To most people, this was probably because she woke up cheerfully that morning. However, the poor unlucky bastards that had the misfortune to know Vollin would know that the only thing that would make the General this cheerful would be if she got an opportunity to degrade the soldiers of Zambai Seven's Fifth Battalion…_again._

Leaning forward into the mike, she said loudly, "Well, folks, it's time to break out the wallet and tears, 'cause the bets came due! The Fifth (rate) ground-pounders now officially hold the title for most casualties in peacetime! According to a new report, Lieutenant Hammer was the victim of a 'methane explosion.' Sound suspicious? Like we care!

"That said, we wish Lieutenant Hammer the best and fastest recovery possible. Otherwise, we might have to send in a _competent _officer!

"So, restart the pull and hold position! General V., over, and out."

--------------

Willy and Triple M heard every word of this through their Warthog's radio. They figured that Vollin would mention this at some point; they had to report to her every time she requested a sit rep, and they couldn't just tell her that Willy blew him up with a stray rocket in one of his temper flares.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened. Willy, however, didn't remember a thing about it whatsoever. All he could remember was seeing Spriggs drive past and "insult" him, then everything went dark; next thing he knew, he was helping Triple M hoist a mangled Hammer into the back of a Warthog.

Willy was brought out of his reverie by a _thud_ behind them and Hammer's voice screaming, "OWW! That was my torso! I _need_ my torso!!"

Triple M must have heard it too: He suddenly stopped the Warthog and backed it up a bit.

Getting out of the Warthog, Willy followed Triple M to the spot where Hammer fell out.

"Think we should go back and get some rope?" he asked.

Triple M replied, "He'll be fine."

"Alright then, on three."

They counted in unison, "One…two…"

Right as Triple M said "Three!" Willy said, "Shit," and let go of Hammer, letting him fall to the ground with another _thud_.

As Hammer groaned in agony, Triple M said, "Dude!"

"Alright, alright, this time on three," said Willy as they hefted the injured Lieutenant into the back of the jeep.

-------------

"I dunno, Triple M," Willy insisted as they pulled into the empty garage of the infirmary, "I still think he was giving me the evil eye when we moved him."

Triple M looked at Willy with an irritable eye of his own and pointed out, "He can't _give_ the evil eye if the _eye's_ in the _pavement._"

"Still," reasoned Willy, "I think you should watch him. By yourself," he added hastily. "'Till the nurse gets here."

"You'll be fine," assured Triple M.

"Says you."

"Look, what's he going to do? Gnaw at your ankles if you get too close?"

"Will that get me out of watching him?"

Annoyed and slightly suspicious now, Triple M asked, "Are you saying you can't watch a cripple?"

"What I'm saying is I'm worried about a cripple with Special Forces training."

Triple M stared at his passenger. "Hammer? Special Forces? I didn't think the Girl Scouts _had_ those."

"Yeah, I was pretty surprised, too, uh, that we got him...you know...after the Accident and everything."

Confused, the Sergeant asked, "What accident?"

"Uh…" answered Willy hesitantly, thinking fast; he hadn't actually thought that Triple M would buy into this. "The _only_ accident we've ever had. Uh...that's right...yeah, I guess that _was _before he got stuck here. Yeah, we don't talk about 'the Accident' all that much."

Intrigued, Triple M inquired, "What happened?"

"I'll tell you if you watch Hammer."

"…I can survive the mystery," Triple M said, driving off. "Good luck!"

"Dammit!"

------------------

"_Jesus, God, it hurts!"_ Hammer cried in pain. "You bastards…I'll slit all your throats and watch you _bleed!_"

"Jesus Christ," Willy said irately, "_calm down, _we called a medic."

"So what?! You aren't getting out of this that easy, you _pricks!_ My God…my _God,_ it hurts…my balls…I think I'm missing my balls…"

"No, you're not, I checked," said Willy exasperatedly. He was getting sick of having to deal with Hammer's bitching; the sooner the medic arrived, the better.

"Feel 'em, they aren't here...I'm gonna rip _yours_ off and we'll see how _you_ feel, then!"

"Ah, that's just the shrapnel talking. There's a _lot_ of asbestos in the shrapnel," said Willy dismissively. He paused for a moment, then he added slyly, "Oh, and you got a cute little nurse coming to fix those wounds, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, good, you called someone…the pain is terrible…I can't feel my toes…It's getting dark...I think I see a white light...Grandma? Is that you?...Mr. Fat Pants?...Oh, Mr. Fat Pants..."

Suddenly, he sat straight up. "Wait, which nurse?" he asked, remembering something that Willy had just said.

His worst fears were confirmed as Willy answered, "The one from your little black book, you ladies man. She said she'd be here in about-"

"No, Willy, listen to me. This is important," Hammer told him. There was only one person he ever put in his "black book," and she was the _last _person he wanted to see.

"What?" Willy asked warily.

"Get me a pistol before - !"

"Well!" a female voice from the entrance said cheerfully. "What a pleasant coincidence!"

Hammer looked toward the entrance, dread flooding his entire body. Walking into the infirmary was a medic in medic's armor. The body and part of the helmet was colored white, the shoulder pieces and the rest of the helmet red, save for the orange visor. The wearer was apparently female, judging from the feminine pitch of their voice. This must have been the nurse Willy called; unfortunately for Hammer, the nurse also happened to be his ex-girlfriend, and between her presence and Willy blowing him up, Hammer felt that he would rather have another round of explosions.

"Meme," Hammer greeted the new arrival quietly, sounding a lot calmer than he felt.

"Hammer."

"Willy…" said Hammer, turning to the Specialist, "I'm gonna kill you."

Sensing a problem immediately, Meme ordered, "Why don't you step outside, Willy?"

"Oh God!" Hammer yelled frantically; if he was left alone with Meme, who knows what would happen to him? "Willy, no! I'm sorry! Forget what I said, I'll never stop you from doing anything ever again! Just...for the love of God, don't leave!"

"For the safety of the patient, I need you to leave."

"I won't be safe if he leaves!" Hammer argued frantically. "Willy! Come on, man, stick around! We'll have some beers, we'll do some drugs, we'll...watch some porn! We'll make it a guy's night out, we'll have a great time!"

"Uh…" Willy hesitated, a little worried at Hammer's sudden change in behavior. "How about we just stick to the beers?"

"Well, then, I'm gonna need your help," said Meme, relenting.

"For beers...where do I start?" Willy asked.

"Take off his pants," Meme ordered.

"Twice in one day? Do you think that's absolutely necessary?"

"Come on, man, just do it," Hammer told him. "I don't want her anywhere near my junk ever again."

"Get to it," urged Meme.

"Look," Willy said, "I mean...he's my boss...you know..."

"This is your fault in the first place!" Hammer yelled angrily.

"_Shut up!"_

"It's always your goddamn fault!"

"Should I leave you two lovebirds alone for a moment?" Meme cut in.

"What, you think I'm in Pink Squad?" Willy asked indignantly.

"Meme, could you _please_ stay out of this?"

"Why?! You couldn't stay out of _her!"_

"_Eww_!" Willy cried, disgusted.

Hammer stared at Meme. "_Jesus,_ are you _still_ hung up on that?!" he asked incredulously. "It was just a _physical!_"

"Is that what they call it these days…?!" Meme asked in mock-tears. "Was that even standard equipment?!"

"Do you even know what a colonoscopy _is_, woman?!?" he asked incredulously.

"Oh, gee, look at the time," said Willy, sidling his way to the door.

Hammer looked at Willy, a panicked expression on his face. "Willy, buddy, don't go! What do you _want_, man? A promotion? Money? Women?! Do you want hookers?! I'll buy you a boat! I'll buy you a car! I'll buy you a boat full of hookers! We'll call it the _S.S. Hooker_, and we will sail the seven seas…with our hookers! Willy, buddy, just please, don't go…"

By the time Hammer had finished, Willy had already left the room.

Hammer gulped as he turned toward an ecstatic Meme.

She grinned evilly as she said, "Have a good time, Willy! Now it's just you and me, Ricky boy!"

"Oh, God, no…"

---------------------------

Willy went through the door and out of the medical bay, thinking about what he just saw go on between Meme and Hammer. Then he suddenly started grinning.

"I am _so_ gonna blog about this," he said, still grinning.

Just then, Spriggs drove by, skidding to a halt a few feet in front of Willy. Willy looked at the new arrival, his grin fading, to be replaced by a look of vehemence.

"Oh, thank you, my dear Spriggs," Willy said. "Thank you for your simple focus in the age of the spectacular, of keeping it real with your classical insights and comical insults, and thank you for not asking me to take off your pants in front of your former girlfriend."

Spriggs honked twice in reply, as if to say "No problem."

"As thanks, I shall make your death quick and painless - "

He never got around to fulfilling his promise, however, for Spriggs chose that moment to drive straight at Willy, ramming him into the wall with a _thud_.

"SON OF A BITCH!"


	3. My Tank is Fight!

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Spriggs: A Halo 3 Machinima." Running Gun Studios does.  
**

**With that out of the way, on to the insanity that is Spriggs!**

**Chapter 3: My Tank is Fight!**

The next day...

Willy followed Spriggs out of one of the buildings in Zambai, a look of suppressed rage on his face as he watched Spriggs drive away again.

"Of course you know," said Willy, "_this...means war_."

-------------------

"Ahh," Meme sighed as she operated on Hammer that morning. "Another glorious day on Zambai Seven."

"You crazed, blood-soaked witch!" Hammer shouted angrily. "That was my _spleen_, wasn't it?!"

"Oh, hush, you don't really need your spleen."

"You said the same goddamn thing about my _liver_!"

"Your left lung, and your diaphragm," Meme pointed out, abandoning the sweet nurse charade. "Seeing a pattern here?"

Hammer stiffened at this last question and looked at the medic suspiciously. "You're harvesting me for organs, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not!" Meme said, holding her hands up in denial. She then spotted something that appeared to divert her attention. "Ooh, is that a wallet?"

Hammer would not be so easily distracted. "Of course you are! I swear to Christ, if I _see_ my colon on EBay - !"

"I may hate you," explained Meme, relenting, "but I'd never harvest your organs. I'd never risk my patients on such a _lousy_ product."

"Lousy?" said Hammer, laughing. "I'll tell you! All my meat is prime cut, baby. You just don't want to admit it!"

"Your meat is, and always was, 4F – unfit for consumption!" retorted Meme. "To be perfectly frank…damn Hippocratic Oath," she finished, acting as if she had just refrained from saying something.

"Well, it sure as hell didn't stop you from operating without anesthetic."

"I don't think we have enough anesthetic to put a three-year-old _kid_ out at this point," Meme informed her patient, "so I'm sure as hell not going to waste it on _you_." She paused, then added as an afterthought, "Hell, if we were getting shipments in, I'd have you sent straight back to Earth."

While the usual dislike towards him was predictable, Hammer hadn't expected that last statement. "What do you mean, 'if' you were getting the shipments?" he asked, frowning.

"We haven't had a Pelican supply drop in three weeks," Meme explained. "Central keeps commandeering them to '_handle the growing crisis on Earth_.'" She said the last part in a mocking, babyish tone.

"You're kidding me!" Hammer said incredulously. "They told me the Medics had the Pelicans!"

"Us? Ha!" Meme replied derisively with a short, mirthless laugh. "We're using Hornets to transport people. _Hornets!_"

-------------------------

On the way to Zambai…

_Meme screamed as she rode on the Hornet's side, which had already hit a high speed of about eighty kliks. In the cockpit, the pilot called back to the hapless Medic, saying something that sounded like, "Just another 15 more kliks, ma'am!" though Meme couldn't hear him over the wind rushing past her ears._

-----------------------

Hammer could imagine it easily, though the thought of Meme going through about as much torture as he was brought a small smile on his face. Meme, who apparently did not notice this, asked loudly, "Have you ever hit eighty kliks on the side of a _Hornet_?!"

--------

Meanwhile, Willy occupied himself by organizing all his "belongings."

To everyone else, that meant he was organizing all his explosives and weapons: grenades, rockets, even a fuel rod cannon (how he managed to get that one was a mystery). While he was doing this, he started to sing:

_I've got a lov-e-ly bunch of coconuts,_

_There they all are, standing in a row…_

_Big ones, small ones, some the size of your head…_

_…Something, something, something, the rest of the song._

_"_Hey, Willy, everything okay?" A voice behind him asked.

"Huh?" said Willy in surprise, turning to see Triple M walking towards him. "Oh! Yeah, sure, everything's fine."

"No problems?"

"No, uh, not at all."

There was a short pause, then Triple M said, "Well, uh, alright then. I'm gonna be at the valley, I'm almost done with the, uh, the condenser thingy."

Willy looked at Triple M, confused. "I thought you were working on our, uh, artillery unit thingy."

"Well, uh, yeah," Triple M admitted, "but, um, you aren't supposed to know about that. It's a secret."

"Oh, good secret," Willy mumbled, turning away from Triple M.

Triple M got defensive. "Well, that way, the...like, you know, if a war starts or a battle starts, the aliens won't know where to look for it."

"Oh, I'm sure they'll care," said Willy sarcastically.

"But if they don't _know_, they can't specifically target it."

"Oh okay, so after they nuke us from war a bit, we'll be able to counterattack with our single wicked railgun you've been working on _all week_, because the alien fleet won't have a problem with us shooting at 'em, because they won't be able to target where the bullets are coming from!" Willy said in irritable cynicism.

"It's strategy, Willy," Triple M countered.

"Yeah, it's a stupid strategy," Willy said. Triple M stared.

"You might want to get out of here. I've got shit to blow up," continued Willy, laughing maniacally for a moment.

Slightly disconcerted now, Triple M backed away a bit before turning around and leaving.

Willy turned back to arranging his explosives when he saw Spriggs drive by.

"Hmm," he said. "Hello, Spriggs. Let's do this."

He then mounted a chaingun turret that he placed nearby, readying himself for his imminent victory.

"He'll _never_ see this coming," he said, grinning. He sang a bit of an introductory tune for a moment as Spriggs drove by and out of sight.

Willy aimed for Spriggs as he drove by again, but he drove out of sight just as quickly as he drove into it, somehow ending up on the lower floor of the garage.

"We're selling tickets faster than we can print them!" Willy said for some reason. "Faster than we can print them, and we can print them very, very, _very_ fast - No, stop," he added as Spriggs drove out in the open again.

"Don't go behind the wall. _Stay out in the open_. So I can shoot - "

It seemed to go on like this for a while. Every time Spriggs got out in the open, he would go behind the wall just as Willy got ready to fire at him. Eventually, he somehow got three clones of himself to drive in three different places.

"What the-? Three of you?" Willy said, confused. "How the fuck did you do that?! Wait, which way did he go?"

For Spriggs had apparently disappeared. Or at least, Willy couldn't see him. Which would explain why he didn't see Spriggs near the tank until he got in it.

"Hey, get out of the tank!" he said as Spriggs aimed the turret at him. "That thing's still on a lease, and I don't want it blowing up!...'Cause I have that power...Oh crap! Exit, stage left!" he finished, ripping the turret off of the tripod and running off just as Spriggs fired at his possessions.

"Aw, no, you blew up my stuff!" Willy yelled angrily. "Oh my God! Do you know how long it took me to friggin' put that there?! Those missiles keep falling over, you _jackass!_"

At this point Spriggs decided to point the gun at Willy and fire at him instead. Willy jumped and dodged the rockets, but Spriggs kept firing at him, so Willy ran from the pursuing tank.

"No, please, stop shooting!" Willy plead as he ran. "I have a wife and eight kids _somewhere!_ I don't know them by name, but I pay child support every once in a while! Just please, stop shooting!"

He sprinted out of the garage door and hid behind one of the walls as Spriggs drove past him and turned the other way. Not wanting to waste any time, he gave chase, yelling, "Foul! _Foul!_ Foul foul foul foul! Get this guy out of the game! Foul! _FOUL!_ Aw, he was nitrous-burning!"

Willy chased Spriggs into a separate garage (they must have had infinite numbers of them or something) when the tank disappeared from view.

"Ah! I hurt my toe!" Willy shouted. "No fair! Alright, do over!" He rounded a corner and yelled in surprise, for he had just found the tank...and it was turned back around to face him.

Willy did an about face and started running away agian, dodging Spriggs' tank fire. "Teke left, teke right...aw, I learned this in basic training, I know I learned _something_ in basic training!"

------------------------

**Author's Note: Hmm...this one isn't as good as the previous two for some reason, IMO. Oh well.**

**Anyway, exams for me are over, so I can probably devote a little more time to this fic now. R&R please!  
**


	4. Cake or Death?

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. I've got even _more_ craziness going on in my life (figures), so I've had a bit less time to devote to these chapters than I would like.**

**But, at least the next chapter is here, so…yay!**

**By the way, some new characters are being introduced in this chapter (if you haven't seen the machinima yet, let's just say that they're Elites), so I'm going to be changing the font accordingly so that y'all can differentiate between each character's dialogue. I'll give you a key:**

"Normal font" = human speaking  
_Italics without quotes_ = human thinking (or flashbacks in certain cases)  
"_Italics with quotes"_ = Elite speaking  
'single quote normal font' = Elite thinking  
"Bold font" = machines saying things (machines being things like computers)

**With that out of the way, on to the madness!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Spriggs: A Halo 3 Machinima." Running Gun Studios does.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Cake or Death?**

"Now where did I put that soldering iron…?" Triple M said vaguely to himself, scanning the floor for the tool.

Suddenly, he heard the sound of a tuning radio, followed by Willy's voice saying, "Hey, Triple M. Could you open the front gates?"

_Might as well, since I'm here,_ Triple M thought. "Uh, sure, I guess. Can I do that from Central?" he said aloud.

"Yeah, sure. Just look for the computer. It's the, uh, the Central Computer, the one with the big red switch," Willy explained.

"Got it," said Triple M, finding the computer quickly.

"Wait," Willy said suddenly, stopping Triple M as he made to pull the switch. "Don't do anything. It's a little more complicated than that. I'll walk you through it, hold on…"

"I think I can handle a _door_," Triple M said sardonically, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, then. They didn't make a manual for nothing," said Willy. "I just don't want _two_ accidents."

"How bad can it be?"

"Look at the lower display."

Triple M did so, and stared at the buttons for a moment.

"Willy?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it me, or is the door trying to kill us?" he asked slowly.

"Yeah, pretty much," Willy confirmed darkly, his image appearing on the computer's upper display.

The lower display clearly showed the murderous nature of the Central computer: Aside from the relatively useless auxiliary functions, several of the buttons described commands apparently meant to kill, such as "Seal All Doors," "'Deadly' Neurotoxins," and "Floor Spikes." Next to the Neurotoxins button, however, was another one labeled "CAKE."

_Well, at least _something _is harmless on this thing,_ Triple M thought, smiling grimly.

Willy must have seen the look on Triple M's face; foreseeing a problem and intending to stop it, he said warningly, "Oh, and whatever you do, _don't go for the cake_. That's how we lost the Major."

* * *

_A green-clad Major was testing out the newly built Central computer when he saw the "CAKE" button. _

_"Ooh, cake!" he said eagerly, pushing the button and flipping the switch. "I love cake!"_

_"__**Dispensing delicious cake - err…deadly neurotoxins,"**__ the computer said mechanically. _

_The Major looked around in alarm, for he had just heard a small hissing sound coming from tiny holes in the ceiling. "I don't love deadly neurotoxins."_"Okay…" said Triple M, slightly cautious.

* * *

"Alright, now here's what you've got to do," Willy instructed. "Press the _word_ – not the entire button – ­by pushing straight down and pulling straight back up. If the screen seems glitched in any shape or form, do _not_ pull the lever. Instead, unplug the computer, count to twenty-five, and then try again. In the event that you select the _wrong_ option, you will have very little time."

"So what do I do?" asked Triple M warily, backing away slowly as the computer screen glitched.

"Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit," Willy replied. He paused, then added, "Oh, and if you _do_ trigger something, and it's _not_ the nerve gas, could you let me know on the radio? I gotta get the hell out of Dodge before the obibital bombardment hits."

"Don't you mean, '_orbital _bombardment?'" Triple M asked, certain that he had misheard.

"Are you even looking at the screen right now?"

"Holy shit, it _does_ say 'obibital,'" Triple M observed incredulously, looking at the lower display again. "Why is this so complicated?"

"Because I can only remember to hotwire so many computers at any one time," the Specialist answered. "Oh, and just so you know, this will open all the doors in the complex."

"What psycho built this?"

"The late Cake-Major."

As if on cue, a coughing sound came up from behind Triple M. He turned around to find the "Cake-Major" lying on the floor as if he was dying – which, now that he thought about it, he probably was.

Looking up weakly, the Major said feebly, "_The cake was a lie!"_

Triple M didn't have much time to think about this piece of news, however, for a ringing sound diverted his attention back to the computer.

"Hold on a sec, incoming comm. call," he said as he switched lines to answer the new caller.

A medic's face appeared on the display, one that gave Triple M the creeps for some reason. It was a moment before he recognized her as Hammer's apparently-infamous ex-girlfriend...though Triple M couldn't remember her name for some reason.

When the medic came up on-screen, she said brusquely, "Captain Meme here, Medical Corps, who is this?"

"Spe – er, _Sergeant_ Triple M at your service, ma'am," Triple M replied in greeting.

Another voice joined in, this one off-screen. "_Triple M_! You furry lover, get me the _hell_ out of here!"

Annoyed, Meme turned to the source of the voice and yelled, "Stop pouting, you'll be able to walk in a second!_"_

The off-screen voice sounded slightly familiar to the sergeant. After a moment, he asked tentatively, "Was that Hammer?"

Turning back to Triple M, Meme replied sweetly, "He's recovering from a second round of injuries."

"_She hit me again!_"

"Details, details," said Meme dismissively, shrugging.

"Well, that's interesting and all, but –" Triple M began.

"Sorry, real quick: Have you had any luck getting a supply drop recently?" Meme asked, cutting across the sergeant.

"The only ones who can get supplies around here are Willy and Spriggs," Triple M answered.

"How do _they_ get supplies?!" asked the Medic incredulously.

"Hang on, I've got another call," said Triple M, hearing the ringing sound again. Once Meme's image faded from the screen, he said, "Hello, Fifth Intergalactic House of Pizza, how may I take your order?"

He regretted this almost immediately when he saw who the caller was: appearing on the monitor was a very annoyed-looking General Vollin. Arms crossed, she glared at Triple M and said angrily, "How about I have your ass with a side order of cheesy sticks!"

"General Vollin! Sorry, ma'am, things are kind of crazy around here," explained Triple M hastily.

"I bet," said an utterly unsurprised General. "And it's going to get worse if you don't _shut up and get back to work_!"

"I'll get right on it ma'am," said Triple M.

Vollin ignored this and continued, "Now, I need to contact Captain Meme of the Medical Corps. Can you locate her?"

"I think she's in the middle of surgery, can I take a message?" the green-clad Marine asked.

"Tell her that I need her back at the Medical Center immediately. _No excuses."_

"I'll tell her as soon as she's out of surgery, ma'am."

"Fine. Oh, and Triple M?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Try not to kidnap any more _friendly_ generals. Do you think you can handle that?" said Vollin patronizingly, referring to his stunt with the Shipmaster while he was still in Rainbow Squad.

"Yes, ma'am."

"General V., out."

"_Bitch,"_ Triple M said with malice once he was sure that the General had hung up.

"Ex-_cuse_ me?!" said Meme indignantly, her face appearing on the display again.

"No, no, not you, the _other_ bitch," Triple M explained quickly. It was a moment before he realized his mistake. "Ugh, that came out wrong…General Vollin was on the line."

"Oh. _She_ qualifies as a bitch," said Meme disdainfully.

Though he agreed with this wholeheartedly, Triple M ignored this remark and said, "She said you're needed back at the Medical Center. I think she already sent the Hornet."

"There's an awful lot I don't listen to," Meme said.

"Well, yeah, but - "

"Could you guys quit yapping and open the door?" Willy's voice cut in, his face appearing on the monitor.

Surprised, Meme said, "What the hell? Who's on the line?"

"Oh, hey, Meme, what's up?" Willy cheerfully greeted the medic.

"Did you put this on conference call?" Meme demanded of Triple M, who shook his head quickly. Willy came to his aid.

"Nah, I hacked into the line. Hey, do you guys need any morphine? I've got a truckload of this stuff."

"Oh, no, keep it," Meme assured him. "We're fine, Hammer's fine. He's a tough guy, he's fine."

Hammer chose that moment to scream in agony, "_Goddamn it, Willy, bring me morphine!"_

Triple M was starting to get annoyed. This was getting ridiculous. "Look, could you guys shut up for a sec so I can – Spriggs!" he yelled in surprise, the silent soldier's image appearing suddenly on the monitor.

"Hey, man…Hi, don't have time, bye!" said Triple M hurriedly, hanging up quickly.

The image faded, only to be replaced with the name of yet another caller. Triple M flustered.

"Ah, fuck it, this'll either open the door or kill me," he said as he pressed the door-opening button.

He heard the clank of an unlocking door as Willy said gratefully, "That was the door. Thanks, Sarge."

"Okay, fine, gone," Triple M said hastily as Willy's image disappeared to be replaced with Meme's. "Captain?"

"I need more time…could you delay Vollin for me?" she asked the Sergeant.

"Consider it done! Bye!" he said as he hung up. "Now for the important call…" He answered the call that had popped up before he had opened the door.

A woman's face appeared on the monitor. Triple M recognized her as being someone from the now-disbanded Rainbow Squad, Allison Orange. Rainbow Squad may have gone apart, but Triple M was still in contact with Sarah, with whom he had been friends with since childhood. Sarah Pink didn't count; she...wasn't exactly the brightest bulb.

Smiling at Triple M, Allison said, "Hey, Big M. Guess what? We got your radio transmitters."

* * *

A light-purple Elite was regrouping with his brothers in the human's garage. The Elite, known as Soltri, hoped that they would get this right this time.

"_Now, remember_," he instructed his siblings for what felt like the millionth time, "_this time, we need food. Not weapons. Food. We can't eat weapons, so get food_."

"_Maybe we should set some booby traps_," Rotri, the dark-purple Elite, suggested. "_We'll cook a few humans while we're here._"

"_Mmm…tastes like baby_," Boltri (a.k.a. "Boom Boom"), a blue Elite, said wistfully, following Rotri out of the pipe. "_You know, with a bit of barbecue sauce? Ohh, so tasty…_" He trailed off, apparently lost in thought.

Soltri rubbed his temples. 'Not this again,' he thought.

"_No_!" he ordered.

"_Aw, come on!_" Rotri pleaded.

"_Geez, don't start this again."_

"_What? I've barely said anything about it!"  
_  
"_For the past nine months that we've been stuck on this rock, __every hour of every day, you've gone on about how you'll kill the humans, and kill the humans, and kill the humans. _When are you gonna get around to killing the fuckin' humans?!"

"_I've got over four hundred kills."_

"_Yes, yes, I admit you managed to kill an entire human base while attempting to open a _door. _However, I don't really think that counts…Meanwhile, we've had to starve!_"

"_What? There's plenty of food around here! __Look at all the birds!_"

"_Ate those_," said Boltri.

"_Crickets_?" tried Rotri.

"_Those too_."

Rotri frowned. "_All the cats?_"

"_Where's the kitty?!_"

"_He ate all those, too!_" Soltri explained.

"_All the lovely edible plants?_"

"_Sorry, burned those_," said Boltri.

Rotri stared at his youngest brother for a moment. Finally, he asked hopefully, "_Do we have any food left on the ship?_"

"_Nope, Mr. 'I-can't-drive-a-stick-shift!_'" answered Soltri mockingly, referring to Rotri's disastrous piloting skills that had landed them at the human base in the first place.

"_Hey, it popped up in front of me!_" Rotri said defensively.

"_What do you mean, it popped up in front of you?!"_ Soltri asked. "_How'd we crash onto this planet, dumbass?!_"

"_He's right, it is kind of hard to miss,_" Boltri concurred, nodding.

* * *

_The three Elites were on their ship, with Rotri sleeping at the wheel. A planet appeared on the monitor as the ship's computer said, "__**Planet in view. Planet incoming.**_** We're about to hit a planet, dumbass!"**

**

* * *

**_"Hey, you didn't tell us they had vehicles here!_" Boltri said, indicating the Warthog he had spotted nearby.

"_Well, _duh," Rotri replied as though stating the obvious.

Boltri lit up suddenly, an idea forming in his brain. "_Hey, can we steal one?_"

"_Ooh, shotgun!" _called Soltri as he got into the passenger seat.

Before getting in, Rotri announced, "_I'm driving_."

"_But I want to drive!_" Boltri protested, stopping his dark-purple brother.

"_No, _I'm _going to drive_."

"_But I wanna drive_!"

"_Ok, fine, you can drive_," Rotri conceded. "_I get the big gun, though_."

"_No, I want the big gun_!" Boltri said, changing his mind.

"_Ok, I'll drive_."

"_Okay. Wahoo_!" Boltri whooped, mounting the turret. As they drove out of the garage, they started singing their squadron's favorite song:

"_Napalm sticks to little kids, doo-dah, doo-dah,  
__Napalm sticks to little kids, oh the doo-dah-day.  
__Watch them scream and burn,  
__Watch them scream and burn,  
__Napalm sticks to little kids, oh the doo-dah-day_…"

* * *

Meanwhile, Triple M admired the supplies and tools that he had gathered for his latest project; no doubt this was based off of one of his pieces of what Hammer called his "cartoon porn." Triple M frowned slightly when he thought about this; he wished that Hammer would listen when he said that it was called anime.

And no, it had not crossed his mind that in anime, the guys looked like girls and the girls looked like whores. That was a line of reasoning that he was either unwilling to think about or had already thought about and dismissed.

Triple M shook his head and brought his thoughts back to the present. He looked at the components in turn, making check marks on a checklist attached to a clipboard he found somewhere.

"Radio transmitters…check," he said, making a mark on the list.

"Plasma coils…" Here he giggled somewhat maniacally.

He referred to his list and saw that he had almost all of his supplies. He just needed to "borrow" one of Hammer's vehicles…

* * *

_How long does it take this son of a bitch to fix a fucking Mongoose?!_ Willy thought as he hid from Spriggs, waiting for his chance to strike. He was sure that this plan was failsafe; without his Mongoose, Spriggs was defenseless. Or at least, he was easier to kill, according to Willy.

The opportunity came when Spriggs stepped away for some tools. Quickly, before he turned around again, Willy rushed to Spriggs' Mongoose and hijacked it.

As he drove off, Willy laughed victoriously and called back, "I have your weapon! Nothing can stop me!"

Spriggs just stood there and watched him drive off. He shook his head pityingly before going to the side of the garage and mounting his regular Mongoose. As he revved it up and left the garage, he thought, _Willy's just _never_ gonna learn…

* * *

_"Who's your daddy now, Spriggs?" yelled Willy at nothing in particular, a triumphant grin on his face.

As he drove off of a cliff, he said, "I am god!"

He was reveling in his victory so much, it was a moment before he noticed there wasn't any ground underneath him.

All it got from him was a stupefied "Who put this cliff here?" before he started falling with a scream.

* * *

Spriggs sped past Triple M, who was on his way to get more supplies for his little "project." Triple M stopped, a sudden desire for his own Mongoose crossing his mind.

"Man, I wish I had a Mongoose right now…" he said out loud, voicing his thoughts.

As if on cue, a Mongoose suddenly fell from the sky and landed right in front of him.

He stared at it for a second, and then he remembered what he had said two seconds before the Mongoose landed. An idea came to him.

Looking up at whatever force brought the Mongoose to him, Triple M said loudly, "Uh, I wish I had a nymphomaniac cat girl with a, uh, _La Blue Girl _fetish!

Instead of granting his wish, however, Willy fell from above instead, hitting the ground with a dull _thud_.

Triple M stared at Willy for a moment before looking up again and saying in dismay, "Aw, you suck!"

* * *

Willy regained consciousness quickly, after Triple M had taken him to the Infirmary to have Meme take a look at him. Once awake, however, Willy suddenly sat straight up, conjured a flamethrower from God-knows-where, and left the building, chasing after Spriggs in and out of the infirmary's garage.

"Burn!" Willy yelled at Spriggs, chasing after his nemesis. "_Burn! _If it's a choice between regular and extra-crispy, I want you extra-crispy!" And with another cry of "_Burn!_" he passed the same point on the loop just as Triple M came running out of the Infirmary after Willy.

Watching the proceedings, Triple M tried getting Willy's attention by saying loudly, "Where am I going to find rail guns at this hour?"

His efforts were futile; Willy didn't even acknowledge him, for Spriggs was getting away from him.

He cried desperately, "Spriggs! Stop driving so fast! I need to burn you, you understand, right?" When he lost him, he added, "Oh, please let me burn you!"

Suddenly, he found that the hunter had become the hunted – Spriggs was chasing _him_ now.

"_I hate you, Spriggs! AGGHHH!" _Willy screamed as he fled his enemy.

Triple M had by now given up trying to catch Willy's eye, so he was reduced to saying pityingly, "This is sad."

Willy just so happened to hear that, and once he found out who said it, Willy ran over to Triple M and said, "Hey, which way did he go, Triple M?"

"Um…That way?" Triple M said hesitantly, pointing in the general direction of the beach.

"Aw, thanks, man," Willy said graciously.

"Nah, it's cool, it's cool."

"No, I mean it," Willy insisted. "If there's _anything_ I can do to make your life easier, just let me know."

"Could you, um…could you put down the high explosives?" asked the Sergeant, eyeing the flamethrower in Willy's hands apprehensively.

"Oh, yeah, sure, no problem, Sarge."

"Thanks, man - " Triple M said in relief.

"Right after I go kill Spriggs."

"…Goddamn it!"

Willy seemed to want to keep to his word, however, as he said quickly, "Don't worry, it'll only take two seconds."

* * *

Spriggs was about to go get some more supplies that had been dropped off at the beach near the base when he saw something that brought him out of his reverie and made him hit the brakes on his Mongoose. _What the hell…? _he thought, staring at a spot ahead of him.

Standing at the front of the beach was the result of Willy's latest attempts to kill Spriggs: a wall, about seven feet tall and – from the looks of it – too thick to drive through, was built right in Spriggs' path, blocking his access to his needed supplies. Standing on top of that wall was a very smug-looking Willy pointing an automatic machine gun at him.

"There is _no_ escape for you _this_ time, Spriggs!" said Willy confidently.

For a moment, Spriggs was inclined to believe him, but then he remembered that that was what Willy had said all the _other _times Willy had tried to kill him, too – and he knew how that ended up.

He quickly scanned the surrounding area, looking for a way to get past this new development. He then spotted a nearby rock formation shaped a little bit like a ramp. He drove towards it, an idea forming in his brain.

Willy watched him uneasily. He had a feeling he knew what Spriggs was thinking, but he doubted that it would actually work. "No way. _No way. No. F-ing. Way."_

Spriggs, however, clearly meant business: accelerating a bit on his Mongoose, he jumped off the rock formation, flew straight over Willy's head, and landed in the sand of the beach.

Willy tried shooting him down in midair, a look of horror on his face. "_Noooooooo!"_ he screamed as Spriggs landed. "I worked so hard!"

He suddenly turned around, laughing maniacally. This called for desperate measures, and there was no possible way this could fail to kill that Mongoose-driving prick.

* * *

Spriggs had picked up his supplies from the beach. He was sure this would last at least a few more weeks; after that, he'd have to call his contact to bring more in. The wall that Willy built weighed heavily on Spriggs' many Zambai-related worries; unless he was mistaken, the fact that Willy could think up of this meant that he was either getting luckier or his IQ had gone up from -5.

_Bah, what am I worried about?_ he thought, shaking his head. _I'll just have to watch myself from now on…It's not anything I haven't been doing for the past few years._

Willy, however, had other plans: a few yards ahead, he had brought out the spare tank that Spriggs had left in the garage and was priming the cannon at him.

Spriggs hit the brakes quickly, a look of genuine shock and fear on his face. He had forgotten about that other tank he had left unattended. He started to back away before Willy decided to fire at him.

Willy smiled. "Good-bye, Mr. Spriggs," he said, pressing the "fire" button.

Fortunately for Spriggs (and unfortunately for Willy), that particular tank was in worse shape, if possible, than Hammer's Warthog; nothing on the tank seemed to work right. It was because of this that the button that Willy had just pressed, instead of firing like it was supposed to, malfunctioned and blew off the entire top half of the tank.

Crawling out of the wreckage, Willy yelled and took out his signature rocket launcher. His eyes were bloodshot as he started firing rockets indiscriminately, shouting a mix of curses and gibberish – Willy had lost it again.

One of the rockets flew into the air right over Spriggs' head and vanished out of sight. Spriggs seemed to be the only one who noticed where it was headed, but he was too busy dodging all the _other_ rockets to give it much thought.

* * *

"This is gonna be the sweetest mech ever," said Triple M, admiring what he had gathered. How he was going to build a gigantic combat robot out of the supplies he had – which now consisted of two tanks, several plasma coils, three radio transmitters, and a pile of crates – was anyone's guess, but he seemed to have some idea of what he was doing.

A whooshing sound caused him to turn around. Looking around, he spotted one of Willy's stray rockets heading straight for…

…the pile of plasma coils amidst his supplies.

"You've _got_ to be shitting me."

The rocket made contact with the explosive power coils. The shock wave from the resulting explosion crossed some wires in the tanks, causing them to malfunction and explode. The flames engulfed the crates, reducing them to ashes.

When it had all ended, only one thought crossed Triple M's mind, one that he shouted aloud:

"_I'm alive!"

* * *

_**Author's Note: So, we finally see the three Elite siblings! I loved being able to put them in written form; IMO, they're the funniest characters in the entire machinima (aside from Willy and Spriggs).**

**Though I've noticed that this chapter seems a little longer than the others…oh well. R&R, please, people!**


	5. Hammer Time

**AN: Sorry for the delay (again). I'm gonna skip the justifications and just go straight to the chapter.**

**Disclaimer: As always, Running Gun, not me, owns Spriggs.**

**Chapter 5: "Hammer Time"**

"Well," Meme said, "you two didn't take any direct hits, so you're both in the clear - Oh!" She added suddenly, as if a thought just came to her. "That means that you're here - coincidentally enough - for the unveiling of - !"

When she had regained her composure, she continued, "It was tricky, I had to borrow parts from a couple of different sources, but your officer is un-exploded."

"You're a master at your craft," Willy said, apparently impressed even though neither he nor Triple M had seen the newly recovered Hammer yet.

"I think it's some of my best work! Thank you!" she thanked him profusely. "Don't you boys agree?"

"How do I look, boys?" asked Hammer as he walked into the room.

Triple M and Willy stared at Hammer, apparently flabbergasted by his appearance.

"Absolutely fine," they said tentatively.

Hammer didn't even look like himself anymore. In fact, he didn't even look human. He looked like someone put an Elite's head on a human's body; the split-jawed head alone was weird even on a matching body. Triple M thought he knew where Meme had gotten those "extra parts" now. The rest of Hammer's body was heavily scarred; it was almost as if he had just returned from a battlefield.

Hammer noticed the repulsed expressions on his subordinate soldiers. "What? Is there something on my...?" he asked, worried. "Is everything alright?"

Triple M and Willy quickly denied his suspicions.

"Oh, you're fine," Meme said, deciding at that point to step in. "The scarring's just a little off."

"I can handle scarring. Scarring's...very manly..." Hammer said, apparently still uneasy about Triple M's reaction.

"In fact," said Meme, thinking fast, "I think you'll look better for it, once it heals."

"You'll look like a whole new...man?" Willy said. Luckily, Hammer didn't catch the wariness in his voice.

"Just...just think about all those girls that you can get," Triple M said just as hesitantly.

"Aw, well, I didn't work a miracle here!" Meme said cheerfully.

"I don't know about that, Meme..." Willy said. "It's pretty close. I mean...that's what I thought he looked like before I met him."

"Don't you agree, Spriggs?" asked Triple M, turning to Spriggs as he arrived.

Spriggs took a look at Hammer, who looked back expectantly. The two continued to stare at each other for a moment.

Then Spriggs suddenly let out a stream of extremely explicit swear words.

"God, my virgin ears!" said Willy, wincing as Spriggs ran out of the room, still swearing. "Such _profanity!_"

There was a stunned silence for a moment, in which everyone in the room waited to see how Hammer would react.

"Um, maybe some of you would like to _restate_ your previously stated opinions?" asked Hammer finally, frowning.

Meme hesitated before admitting, "I...did my duty to the human race by ensuring you would never breed again? Tee hee."

Hammer looked horrified.

"It makes you look like a whole new man," Willy repeated his earlier opinion.

"You can get all those, uh, tentacle porn chicks now," Triple M tried.

This was evidently the wrong thing to say; Meme stared at him with a look of revulsion, Willy muttered, "Ew," and Hammer just looked even more horrified, if that was even possible.

"Yeah...maybe not," Hammer said. "I'm going for a drive."

Everyone watched as Hammer struggled to put on his helmet. He had to struggle because his head was no longer the same shape as the one that the helmet was designed to fit.

"This is tighter than it used to be...I'll see you boys later," he said as he left for the garage once he got his helmet back on.

Triple M and Willy looked at each other. "Yeah, about that..."

----------------

The Elites drove into their new base in the stolen Warthog. It hadn't taken them long during the trip to find out that the vehicle was terrible; the stick shift wouldn't even work right. Every time Soltri tried switching to third gear, the jeep started going in circles until he switched it again. Rotri attributed this to Soltri's terrible driving, an opinion voiced openly a lot, to Soltri's irritation. _He_ had no room to talk - it was his own abysmal piloting skill that had landed them at the base in the first place.

One of their number was particularly cheerful, for reasons unknown to the eldest and youngest of the three. They soon found out why, however, when a smiling Rotri said, "_Mission successful! The humans _never_ even saw us!"_

"_We weren't even there!_" Soltri pointed out. "_I just can't wait to unload so we can eat. I'm so hungry..."_

_"Relax! We got everything we needed."_

_"Despite your ability to fuck everything up!"_

"_Are you saying I'm unreliable?" _Rotri demanded of his older brother, his smile fading.

"_No, but now that you mention it..." _Soltri retorted calmly.

"_Hey, guys!"_ Boltri called, having just remembered something.

The other two ignored him. Rotri asked, _"When have I ever let you guys down?"_

"_How long of a list do you want?"_ replied Soltri.

_"Okay, now you're just being cruel."_

"_Name one thing - _one thing _- that you've done that worked out for us."_

_"Um...guys?" _Boltri repeated. They ignored him again.

_"I got us three new translators, didn't I?_" Rotri pointed out.

-----------

_Back on one of their stops, Rotri was supposed to be getting supplies - food, water, anything needed to survive - before they left again. He was stopped, however, by three Grunts asking him something. They spoke in a language he didn't understand, though; he had to use the translator device he had brought with him._

_It turned out that, much to Rotri's excitement, the Grunts wanted to trade their three translators for the one he had._

"Ooh, three-for-one!"_ Rotri said eagerly. He contemplated the possible consequences for a moment before saying, "_I'll take it!_"_

_Had he actually looked at his translator as he handed it to them, he would have noticed that one of the Grunts had then said, "Sucker!"_

---------------

_"If these translators are so good, why were the Grunts so willing to trade?_" Soltri challenged. "_Answer me _that,_ Mr. Know-it-all!"_

"_I'm sure they had a good reason."_

_---------------------_

_The Grunts were still hanging around at that beach, but they decided to put the new translator to good use._

_"Hello, ladies," one of them said to a group of apparently good-looking female aliens that was approaching._

_-----------------_

"_But you want to know what _really _bugs me?_" Soltri asked venomously.

"_What?_" replied Rotri with equal menace.

"_You _really _want to know?_"

_"Yeah!_"

"Guys!" Boltri shouted impatiently.

_"What?!"_ they said, finally turning to look at him.

"_Did anybody remember to get some food?"_

A split second's silence followed this realization.

"_Nooooooooo!"_

-----------------------

"You know," Hammer said, sounding a lot less furious than he was, "I'm not that concerned about the Mongooses, not even _my_ Warthog. I'm kind of curious about the rest of the Warthogs, and I'd _love_ to know where our power supply went to, but what I really want to know is _where are my Goddamn tanks?!?"_ he finished, suddenly shouting at the culprits.

The garage was completely empty. The tanks were missing, and the Warthogs were destroyed - courtesy of Willy's insanity. He had also wrecked the only other Mongoose they had, but, like Hammer, nobody knew or cared where Hammer's Warthog had gone.

"I blame Triple M," Willy muttered. Triple M glared at him.

"Sergeant! Present!" Hammer ordered.

Triple M snapped to attention. "Willy did it, _sir_!"

"Snitch," Willy murmured under his breath. Triple M smirked in satisfaction.

Hammer, disregarding this quiet exchange between the two, continued, "No shit. I could have guessed that. But since we're all here now, _somebody_ got back to the big toys first!"

"Hey, I only used _one_ tank," Willy corrected. "And I only mildly _singed_ the Warthogs."

"So I assume it's Wednesday?"

"No, Thursday," admitted Willy.

"We've been a bit disorganized without you, sir," Triple M said.

"Is that how you managed to misplace all of my tanks?" asked Hammer.

"...I have no recollection of any armored units, sir?"

"Try that again, Sergeant."

"Well, then I admit that it _might_ be possible that, _theoretically_, right now, they could _potentially_ be halfway to Kansas."

"And _why_ exactly would they be halfway to Kansas?"

"The power cores I was working with _might _have become unstable."

"_What_ power cores?"

"The power cores for the me - er, the rail-er...I have no memory of any power cores, sir?"

Hammer didn't seem to understand. "Try that again..._intelligibly_, Sergeant."

"I...didn't say anything of importance?" tried Triple M.

"_Again."_

"Uh... These are not the power cores you are looking for?"

"Do I look like a complete idiot, Sergeant?"

"Don't answer him," Willy muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "it's a trick question."

"Fine," Hammer said. "What were they for?"

"Maybe he was working on a plasma core-launching system," Willy said, coming to Triple M's aid.

"And why would he be working on a plasma core launching system?"

"...'Cause our enemy doesn't have one?"

"_What_ enemy? We're in peace time, you idiots!"

"_The_ enemy, you know..." Willy said haltingly; he was running out of ideas. "'Cause they're the enemy...?"

Hammer sighed. "God...Willy?"

"Yeah?"

"Willy..." Hammer repeated. "Go run a report on the plausibility of a plasma core launching system and have it on my desk by 0430."

"I'll copy and paste it from my personal files," Willy replied. "But why so early?"

"I need napkins for my donuts. Triple M!" Hammer said suddenly to the Sergeant, who had been taking advantage of the distraction to slowly back away.

Triple M halted. Defeated, he said, "On my way to toilet details, sir..."

"Belay that. Get a wrench and rebuild my armor corps. Oh, and Triple M?"

"You guys done yet?" said Meme, who came running into the garage.

"Meme's got toilet detail," Hammer said, turning to the new arrival.

Triple M started. _That_ was a bad idea, considering Meme's rank. "Um, Hammer?" he said, trying to get the Lieutenant's attention.

Everyone ignored him. Meme, face seething with suppressed anger, said, "I'm sorry, _Lieutenant, _but I didn't hear what you just said."

"_Hammer,_" Triple M repeated futilely.

"Oh, no, you _are_ going to clean toilets, my dear," Hammer confirmed assertively. "This is _my _base. And if insist on taking care of me, you're going to be working _under_ me. You got that?" he finished, giving Meme an authoritative look.

Meme remained stony faced. Triple M gulped; this wasn't going to end well, either.

------------------

About a half an hour later...

"Ahh," Hammer sighed as he brushed the filth off of the toilets. "Well, that went well, didn't it?" he added to Triple M, who was walking through to get to his own duties.

"You really showed her, sir," Triple M said sycophantically.

Unfortunately, Meme decided to show up at that moment. "Are you two talking?" she said sternly.

"No, ma'am," Hammer and Triple M said in unison.

**AN: ...shit, can't think of what to say here. Oh well. Read and Review, please!**


	6. Spriggs: Unloaded

**AN: Okay, I just gotta say, this was one of my favorite chapters to write. I loved this episode of Spriggs for some reason. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Spriggs: A Halo 3 Machinima." Running Gun does.**

**Chapter 6: "Spriggs Unloaded"**

"That's it! The truce is off, you son of a bitch!" Willy bellowed at Spriggs, pursuing the Mongoose driver in a considerably damaged tank. "I'm coming at you like a baby-making machine: balls to the wall!"

The tank itself had definitely seen better days. The cannon barrel had enormous dents in several places, and the back of the tank was on fire. The secondary turret had apparently been blown clean off of the tank's body, and even the driver's canopy was missing. It would be next to inoperable if it weren't for the treads, which remained intact and allowed for movement.

Unfortunately for everyone else, Willy had taken the opportunity to try to gun down Spriggs with it. _Again_.

Ignoring the obvious damage, he addressed the tank's computer as he ordered, "Select armor-piercing rounds, computer!"

"**Ammo count: zero,**" the computer replied monotonously.

Unnerved by this diagnostic at first, Willy changed tack quickly. "Alright...select high explosive rounds, computer."

"**Try again**," said the computer flatly.

Willy frowned. "Regular rounds?"

"**I'm out**_._"

"Nerf rounds?"

"**Nope**_._"

Frustrated, Willy turned around and shouted, "Where the hell is all the ammo?! Triple M, are you _drunk_ or something?!"

He might as well have done nothing at all; Triple M - who was still in the middle of repairing the tank when Willy took it - was punching it near the back in an attempt to stop it, and he was situated right in one of the tank's blind spots. From where he was sitting, Willy couldn't see where the sergeant was or what he was doing.

"Damn it, Willy, I haven't _fixed_ it yet!" Triple M yelled angrily, still punching the tank. "Why would I _load_ it?!"

Willy shook his head in disappointment. "Some people just can't get their priorities straight. Guess I'm just going to have to ram him."

* * *

Back at Zambai Seven, Soltri, Rotri, and Boltri were almost out of the accursed human base. Soltri was relieved; they had gone in for another run through the base to look for food, but he was convinced that the white one had almost spotted them. And he was pretty sure that they had gotten lost at least once, despite Rotri's certainty that he knew _exactly _where they were going. His prowess with vehicles and directions was nefariously poor; Soltri made a mental note not to trust Rotri with so much as a toy Ghost in the future.

Regardless of all this, however, the humans didn't have anything worth taking, just like last time.

Turning to his brothers, Soltri announced, "_We're almost home free!_"

They made a jump off of a rock ("_Wheee! Look, Ma, no hands_!" -Boltri) just as Spriggs passed by underneath them on his Mongoose, with Willy and Triple M close behind on the tank.

The rest happened quickly: the tank and the stolen Warthog collided; bodies flew through the air (it was difficult to discern who they were in all the chaos); the jeep spun out while the tank spurred on unperturbed.

Soltri blinked a few times, holding his dazed head for a moment. When he shook off the dizziness, he saw the tank that they had run into.

_"Stupid human tank," _he said contemptibly. _"Everyone okay_?"

"Fine," an unknown voice answered from the passenger seat. Soltri had an uneasy feeling that something was wrong, and that this particular something was connected to that voice. He shrugged off the notion; he would worry about that when they were safely out of the base.

"_Then we're out of here._" Putting the Warthog in reverse (one of the two gears that would work properly), Soltri started to back out of the base when the voice stopped him again.

"I don't think so."

Soltri turned to his passenger, alarmed. "_Are you crazy?! You want to get caught by the _-" He stopped. He found himself looking into the barrel of a pistol. And the owner of that pistol was one of the...

"..._humans...?_" Soltri finished with a growing sense of dread and humiliation.

"Hey-o!" The human Sergeant greeted his new hostage.

"_Well, this is embarrassing_."

Still pointing the pistol at the alien, Triple M ordered, "Turn around and _follow that tank._"

* * *

'How did I get into this?!' was one of the first coherent thoughts that ran through Rotri's mind as he found himself on top of the tank, with Boltri near the back.

Bashing the tank with a Gravity Hammer in an attempt to stop it, he shouted fruitlessly, "_Human, please, let us in! We promise we won't hurt you too much, and not badly, too! Please slow down!_"

Boltri, on the other hand, tried a different tactic. As he fiddled around with the wires in the rear of the Scorpion, he shouted, "_Look, I promise I won't hurt you if you open up_!"

Rotri had neither the time nor the balance to give his younger brother a look of disdain, so he compromised.

"_If he won't listen to me, he's not going to listen to you_!"

"_No, but if I rewire this, he might listen if it goes boom!_"

'Uh-oh...' Rotri thought wiith dread. Chancing a quick glance, he looked around at Boltri. What he saw filled him with an all too familiar sense of fear: his blue sibling had donned his trademark evil grin on his face. The kind of grin that meant that he was doing what he was best at, and one wouldn't want to be in the same area when that happened.

"_What do you mean, 'boom'?" _Rotri asked, though he already knew the answer.

"_What do you think I mean when I say 'boom?' I mean 'boom!'_"

* * *

"But this is Willy. He could be anywhere right now - " Hammer started to say to Meme. He stopped when he heard shouting, and the telltale sound of treads moving along rock. With a growing sense of apprehension, they both turned to look, only to find the tank heading straight for them.

"Willy..." Hammer said exasperatedly before he and Meme did an about-face and fled.

Screaming, they ran for their lives, away from the tank driven by the incensed Willy. The lieutenant hopped onto the back of Spriggs' Mongoose when he got close enough; Meme took up the gunner's spot on the Warthog.

Turning to Spriggs, he ordered, "Specialist Spriggs, I order you to stop right this instant!"

He complied. And nearly got run over by the tank.

"Forget what I said! _Forget what I said!!_" Still panicking slightly, Hammer turned to the one driving the tank. "Willy, as your CO, I command you, pull that tank over! _Now_!"

* * *

Back in the Warthog...

"_Another one?!" _Soltri said in disbelief. Not surprisingly, he was pissed. One human was bad enough, but now another one, this one female and apparently the captain, had gotten the turret in the back. Not only that, but the jeep apparently chose that moment to start acting up again.

_And_ the human sergeant wouldn't put away the damn gun!

Things couldn't possibly get any worse.

"Sergeant!" Meme said.

"Captain," replied Triple M.

"Triple M, _what_ is that alien doing?!"

"Third gear."

Meme was slightly taken aback. "Oh. Well, um...Carry on."

Knowing that this command was meant for him, Soltri said sardonically, "_Oh, I'm so glad I have your _permission."

The green-armored soldier said irritably, "Jeez, do you _ever_ stop bitching?"

"_Only when I don't have a pistol pointed at my head_."

Triple M exchanged the pistol for a shotgun.

"_Oh, that's so much more comforting_."

* * *

"I think we got him now!" Triple M shouted confidently. They were finally gaining on Willy and Spriggs. He hoped that this time, he would be able to knock some sense into them for once, unlikely as it may have seemed.

Then he looked past the tank, and saw something that filled him with horror: there was an enormous gorge ahead, and they were headed straight for it.

The sergeant turned around and looked at Meme, who nodded subtly. Quickly, they both leapt off of the Warthog without the alien's knowledge.

Back in the tank, Willy saw the same thing, as well as something else, slightly familiar...

'Hmm...' he thought. 'I think I've seen this before...'

"Apply brake," Willy ordered.

"**The brake option is unavailable,**" said the tank's computer. "**Please contact your main repair specialist."**

Willy heard none of this, as he chose that moment to follow his pursuers and jump out of the tank just as it went over the edge of the gorge, its unwitting blue passenger whooping in exhilaration as his brother nearly screamed in fright.

* * *

All the Zambai Seven troops looked down into the gorge after the fallen tank and Warthog.

"Whoa," Willy said in amazement. "This gorge is _huge_. Like your mom," he added, turning to his fellow soldiers with a grin.

"Well, there went my tank," Hammer said.

"And the Warthog," Triple M observed.

"_And_ the aliens," said Meme.

"Who the heck _were_ those guys, anyway?" Hammer asked to nobody in particular.

Triple M shrugged. "I don't know, but they had your Warthog."

"That thing was a piece of crap. They can keep it."

"Right," Willy said, not really paying attention. "Well, I'm going to drive back to base - " He stopped abruptly as he turned to Spriggs. It was then that he realized that the red-armored soldier was the only one left with a vehicle.

_Damn it,_ Willy thought.

The others seem to have realized this as well, and they had _no_ desire to be left behind on the way back to base, as Triple M chose that moment to say, "Spriggs, buddy, pal...how 'bout a ride?"

Spriggs looked at them for a moment, then he turned right around and drove back to the base, leaving his team behind.

Triple M looked sadly after Spriggs. "So cold."

* * *

Willy couldn't believe his terrible luck. Spriggs had just freaking drove away on that goddamn Mongoose of his, leaving Willy, Triple M, and everyone else from Zambai stranded where they were. Willy wasn't angry over the fact that he had left them there - he had expected no less from _Spriggs_ - but that now he was stuck with these three other nutcases until they get back to base.

_Damn it,_ Willy thought bitterly. _When I get my hands on that prick, I'm going to - _

"Willy?"

Willy was startled out of his reverie by Meme calling him over.

"Since we have the time," she asked him, "could I talk to you for a second?"

"Yeah, sure. What do you need?" he asked the medic.

"How did you get all your gear?" Meme asked seriously.

Willy rolled his eyes. He had been asked this question before, or at least questions like it. Regardless, he had already prepared his answer. "Uh, I get it _delivered_."

Meme looked him in the eye. "Is that why I found your room littered with wrappers from - "

"Whoa, wait," Willy interrupted. "You've been through my _room_?"

"...Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Popeye's..."

"You've been getting delivery this whole time?" Triple M said incredulously, his voice rising angrily. "We've been stuck with MREs for_ two_ months, _and you've been ordering out?!"_

"Hold on there," Meme said, with an attempt at a soothing tone. "We need to figure out how he - "

But the incensed sergeant had had enough. With a furious shout of "_I'll kill you!!_" he tackled Willy and started pummeling every inch of him that he could reach.

Fortunately for the defenseless Specialist, Hammer stepped in. "Sergeant! Stand down."

Reluctantly, Triple M backed away, turning to Hammer with an angry look in his eyes. "I'm going to kill him, Hammer. No jury on Earth will convict me."

Hammer shook his head quickly. "You're not allowed to kill him, M."

Triple M stared at the Lieutenant. "B-But..."

Willy had gotten up and looked at Hammer gratifyingly. "Thanks, Lieutenant. He caught me by surprise - " He stopped when he saw the grin forming on Hammer's face. When Hammer was grinning like that, it usually didn't end well for Willy. He gulped.

"_Officers get first dibs_."

Nobody got a chance to get at Willy again, however, because Meme chose that moment to yell at them both, "Both of you! Sit the _fuck_ down and _shut_ the hell up! If anyone is going to be killing anyone, it's going to be _me_, ha _ha!!"_

Both Hammer and Triple M were shocked into silence. Even Hammer, who was Meme's ex-boyfriend, had never seen this side of her before. He hadn't known that she could be so insane...or maybe it was just the lack of food. It was hard to tell where Meme was concerned.

Turning back to Willy, Meme continued, "Now, Willy...Let me cut to the chase. I just spoke with every base from here to Tuscany Twelve. You know what they said?"

Feigning ignorance, Willy asked, "What?"

"_None_ of them have been getting any deliveries for over two weeks!" Meme explained.

"They just don't know the right people," Willy replied, speaking as if this fact was completely obvious.

Intrigued, Meme inquired, "What people?"

"I have the _connections_..."

"Damn it, Willy, there aren't any Pelican supply drops _anywhere_!"

"Well, the Pelican Pilot's Union is probably on strike."

"What?"

"Nobody in their right mind would dare to cross _that_ picket line," Willy said seriously.

Meme stared at Willy. "What is your psychosis? What is _wrong_ with you? Hell, what's wrong with _all_ of you?!"

Smirking, Willy said mockingly, "_Pot, this is Kettle, over_."

"What are you saying?" Meme asked, confused.

"Maybe we're not the only nuts in this palm tree," Willy explained.

Meme's face lit with comprehension. "Are you implying that _I'm_ one of these nuts?"

"Why, yes, maybe I am. Let me instruct you in the fine art of sarcasm. First we begin -"

"Oh, stop being pedantic," Meme cut across him irritably.

"Fine. Eleven-year-olds aren't my thing, anyway."

Meme paused for a moment. "You know, I think I like you even less than I like Hammer."

"Give it time. Then you'll be _sure_."

"As your superior officer, I demand - "

"Superior? _Ha!_" Willy interrupted, laughing. "You merely outrank me. And I really mean '_rank._'"

"Do you know what a captain _is_, Willy?" Meme asked rhetorically.

Willy mocked, "Oh! Oh! I know this one! The three O's: Oversexed, Overpaid, Over-promoted!"

"If I was Command..."

"Oh, yeah, sure. What would you do, Miss '_I'm a captain, this is impractical_'?"

"If I was Command," Meme informed the yellow-armored soldier quietly, "I'd send you all to a rock in the middle of nowhere to rot in peace."

"Oh, yeah?" Willy shot back. "Well, if I was Command, you'd be here with us, in this shit hole, rotting on some random rock in the middle of nowhere! Hell, I'd even invite all these other nut jobs and we'd throw a damn _party_!"

Upon hearing this, Triple M said slowly, "You mean, kind of like the way Zambai is now?"

"Yes, exactly! Just as Zambai Seven is...right...now..." Willy replied, his voice falling as this realization sank in. "Damn..."

Judging from the similar looks of horror on each of the group members' faces, Willy could tell that they were all thinking the exact same thing that he was.

"You don't think...?" Triple M said.

"Nah, they wouldn't just _abandon_ us here," Willy answered Triple M's unfinished question, shaking his head.

"It'd be...unethical..." Meme reasoned without any real conviction to her voice.

"True, true..." Hammer said, worried.

Triple M said, "They'd never get away with it...People would find out..."

"...Sure..." said Meme uncertainly.

"We're totally hosed, aren't we?" Hammer asked.

"Absolutely," Willy confirmed, nodding grimly.

* * *

A few yards away, a Lieutenant in Orbital Drop Shock Trooper, or ODST, armor was watching the soldiers of Zambai Seven. He had heard every word of this conversation and most of the others before it.

"Wow. They _do_ have a brain!" the Lieutenant said in mock amazement.

He suddenly heard General Vollin's voice on his communication link; apparently, she too had been listening in, and she didn't sound happy about what she had heard. "Ah, fuck, now we're officially compromised," she said irritably. "Pull back to base! We need to get the ball rolling on Plan B."

The Lieutenant, convinced that his presence was unknown to anyone else there, told Vollin, "Actually...take your time. It would take a _miracle_ for anyone to find me out here."

Had he taken a moment to check his surroundings for anything unusual (well, more so than usual, anyway), he would have noticed a certain, dark-purple Elite sneaking up behind him with a Gravity Hammer...

* * *

**Author's Note: The plot thickens! Now we know why the people at Zambai are there in the first place. AND there's a new character introduced…sort of. I'm assuming that you guys have seen the machinima already, but just in case some of you haven't (why that would be, I have no idea...), I won't actually say his name until the next chapter is posted.**

**Anyway, y'all know the drill. R&R, please!**


	7. The Heart of Dorkness, Part 1

**Author's Note: In the first part of this chapter, I'm gonna take a shot at writing from Lt. Rogir's point of view (Rogir is the new character that I mentioned at the end of the previous chapter), since the beginning of the episode itself is told as such. Or maybe I'm just misinterpreting Rogir's monologue. One of the two.**

**Either way, I just wanted to give y'all a heads up. If you think I need to fix something about it, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know. Writing this is fun, but it's also a kind of writing practice for me, so I'd appreciate the constructive reviews.**

**Oh, and by the way, I'm gonna cut this chapter in two; it's **_**way **_**too long to be considered a single chapter, IMO. This one is the first part, I'll upload the second part and post it soon.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Spriggs, the Halo Trilogy, or anything related to it. Those rights are held by Running Gun Productions, L.L.T., and Bungie/Microsoft.**

**Chapter 7: The Heart of Dorkness**

My name is Jonathan M. Rogir. I'm currently enlisted in the UNSC Marine Corps as a Lieutenant serving under General Vollin. I've fought alongside the Sangheili in the war against the Covenant, and…

…You know what? Fuck the formalities, I'm just going to get straight to the point.

To summarize...for my monologues, they sent me away; for my sins, they sent me to Zambai VII.

Okay, now for the longer version.

Right now, I'm stuck at the fields surrounding Zambai Seven, where I was sent to spy on the members of the Fifth by Vollin. And somehow, I wound up being captured in the most ridiculous way by a trio of…

…Okay, now even _I_ think I'm rambling a little bit too far ahead of the story. Perhaps I should start with how the hell I wound up in that death camp in the first place.

* * *

_Several Hours Earlier…_

"This is a crisis situation, Lieutenant," Vollin said as she, I, and one of her aides walked to her office. "With Captain Meme embedded in the Fifth, our operation hangs by a thread."

"Yes, ma'am," I replied mechanically. At the time, I had know idea why she was telling me all of this. I already knew this information thanks to a reliable source of mine, but either she didn't know that or she knew about it and didn't care. Maybe it was to make herself feel smarter. I wouldn't blame her; she _is_ a bit of an idiot, but not so much as the psychopaths at Zambai.

"Don't forget that this is the base where Willy and Spriggs are stationed."

"Yes, ma'am," I said again. How could I forget _that_ little detail? Whenever Willy and Spriggs were in the same area together, all hell usually broke loose. Not exactly hard to remember.

"I'm also concerned about Triple M. I don't think I need to remind you about the damage he caused to the human-Elite relations with that little _stunt_ of his," she told me, looking at me as if it was _my_ fault.

I grinned as I recalled the incident. "I always thought the Shipmaster looked rather good in a tutu," I said reminiscently. "Ma'am," I added hastily when the General glared at me.

"_He_ would disagree," she continued. "And the whole battalion is headed by none other than Lieutenant Hammer."

"Ah, good old 'Stars-to-bars'," I said, though under my breath so as to not catch another glare.

"To take charge of the situation, we need someone…special," said Vollin.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied again. I thought, _Where is she going with this?_

"A man of…vision."

"Yes, ma'am."

"A man of _action._"

"Yes, ma'am."

"A man like you!" Vollin said, turning to me with an expectant smile.

I started, alarmed. "_Oh, hell, no!_"

"Like you have a choice?" said the General. This was perfectly true; when General Vollin gives an order, it's either follow that order or risk being charged with insubordination and certain…punishment.

I thought for a moment. "I could cut to the chase and just shoot myself."

"Permission denied." I wasn't altogether surprised; I didn't think it would actually work, but I had to try. All the same, my heart sank in disappointment.

"Be at the Hornet at 0610," she continued.

I checked my HUD's clock. "Uh, you _do_ realize it's 6:09 right now, ma'am?"

She ignored me. "Failure to comply will be seen as dereliction of duty, for which you _will_ be shot."

"So, problem solved, then?" I asked hopefully.

She smirked. "I didn't say _where_."

My heart sank further. "On my way…" I said, defeated.

As I walked out of Vollin's office on my way to the Hornet, I could have sworn I heard her say, "And they say good help is hard to find."

* * *

It was a dangerous infiltration, done with a watchful eye for the most dangerous psychopaths in the universe. My target was the ruins of the Fifth Intergalactic Infantry Battalion, under the command of Rick Hammer.

…Okay, "command" is kind of a loose term. A _very_ loose term. Willy and Spriggs, on the other hand…

Rumor has it that Willy hadn't been right since he got his Silver Star. I remember that it had something to do with one of Spriggs' operations.

"Hold still!" I heard an angry voice yell from one of the area's grav lifts. I didn't have to look far for the source.

I saw a yellow-clad soldier at one of the nearby structures, flinging power cores at someone driving a Mongoose. The driver was going too fast for me to get a good look at him, but I recognized the yellow soldier to be Willy. This looked interesting, so I had to get a closer look.

Quickly, before I was spotted, I ran behind one of the large rock formations and hid in its shadows.

"Stop moving so I can kill you!" Willy yelled as he continued to fling power cores at the Mongoose. No matter how much Willy tried, the Mongoose continued to weave back and forth, dodging all the projectiles.

Somehow, I got the feeling that the driver was doing this on purpose, as if to infuriate Willy. Which, under normal circumstances, would be a _very_ bad idea.

"I need some time to calibrate this thing!" Willy shouted.

He was so wrapped up in his task that he failed to notice the Mongoose drive past him and launch himself using the gravity lift.

"Spriggs! Get off of that! This is sensitive equipment, and anything can…break it…" Willy shouted, trailing off. It was as the Mongoose flew through the air that I recognized its driver.

Spriggs. The black hole of all official military records. The kind of military records that came to you dipped in ink…to save time.

"This is better than cable," I said, enthralled by this fight.

Unfortunately, it stopped just as I was getting interested. I looked around for the cause and saw that Willy had apparently run out of power cores. I could no longer see him, but I could see Spriggs from where I was. I could still hear the dialogue, with Spriggs speaking in honks from his Mongoose. Somehow, Willy managed to understand him. I wondered if he was just guessing, however, because I couldn't make heads or tails of what Spriggs was saying.

"Spriggs!" Willy yelled. Spriggs honked once in reply. "Hey, I'm all out of power cores, and it's going to take me forever to haul them back up here." Two honks. "Yeah, so could we pick this up tomorrow, same time?" Another honk. "Yeah, around 8 o clock-ish sound good?" Three honks. "No, it's okay, you can get breakfast first." A final honk, then, "Alright, see ya, Spriggs!"

As Spriggs drove off, Willy mounted the Warthog and started driving off…right in my direction.

_Shit_, I thought, and I backed up further into the shadows. I saw Willy drive by and stop suddenly.

I heard him say something indistinct, but it sounded like he said, "Hey...where'd all the power cores go?" I was quickly proven right when Willy suddenly ripped the turret off of the Warthog and ran off towards a sparsely wooded section over near a wall. I could hear him shout angrily, "_Triple M!!_"

It was evident, however, that the section that I mentioned wasn't too far off - and neither, therefore, was Triple M. I was close enough to hear him speak to Meme on his comm. Or maybe he just had it on speaker. One of the two.

"Triple M? Have you seen Willy?" I heard Meme ask. "I can't reach him on his comm."

"Last time I checked, he was flinging power cores at Spriggs," Triple M answered promptly. I thought it was weird that he spoke of it in such a manner-of-fact tone. Then I recalled that it wasn't much different before Zambai, either - not that the thought was much more reassuring.

"Yeeahh…could you find him real quick, tell him to turn on his comm.?"

As Willy crept up behind him, Triple M said, "I think that can be arranged. Willy, Meme wants you to turn on your comm.," he added to Willy without turning around.

"Triple M…" Willy said quietly.

Triple M turned around to find Willy aiming the gun at him. "Uh, Willy? Aren't you pointing that the wrong way?"

"Oh, let me worry about where it's pointing," I heard Willy say. He sounded like he meant business; I couldn't imagine how Triple M could remain so calm in the face of this. "Now, where are all the power cores?"

"I have no idea," Triple M said, still maintaining that sense of calm.

Willy seemed unconvinced. "Are you sure? Is that your _final_ answer?"

"Yes, that's my final answer," Triple M said doggedly.

"Hmm…Tell me, is Mr. Mini-Gun going to be upset that you're lying to him?" Willy asked menacingly, brandishing the mini-gun a little bit for emphasis.

"That depends. Is Mr. Tank going to be upset that you're threatening me?" retorted Triple M, using a remote to point the tank's cannon at a fairly startled Willy. I knew now why Triple M wasn't panicking like anyone else would (anyone that wasn't Spriggs, anyway).

"Um…I hope not…"

"Besides, would I lie to you?"

"Do you seriously want me to answer that after what happened the other day?"

Triple M looked offended. "I'm hurt."

"Oh, you're not hurting _nearly_ enough yet."

"Why would I have the power cores, anyway?" asked Triple M.

"Think," Willy explained. "I'm still looking for them, Hammer doesn't want them anymore, and Meme's too busy yapping on the radio, so who does that leave?"

Something red caught my eye. I wrenched my eyes away from the conversation to watch Spriggs move the Mongoose slowly towards Willy. I had a bad feeling that this wasn't going to end well, but then I remembered what I was supposed to be doing and turned back to Triple M and Willy.

"Alright," said Willy, "so we agree under the Sacred Accord of the Fraternal Brotherhood of Roommates – "

_The what?_ I thought, fairly sure that I had misheard.

" – to split any found or mislocated power cores between ourselves, including any sandwiches that we make along the way."

"Agreed," said Triple M.

"So, that was all the power cores, then?"

"All the ones not needed to run the base."

Willy seemed disappointed. "Aw..."

Triple M answered him before he could say anything in protest. "No!"

Willy frowned. "Alright, I guess I'll have to resort to killing Spriggs the old-fashioned way."

On that note, he took out his infamous rocket launcher and looked like he was about to turn around. However, by that time Spriggs had positioned the Mongoose right behind Willy, and it was from there that he honked the Mongoose's horn loudly.

Willy jumped up in surprise, hit his head on the tank, and fell to the ground with a thud.

"And there goes the afternoon," Triple M said in a bored voice as Spriggs drove off quickly. He waited for Willy to recover from the shock before saying to him, "Hey, man, don't get all hung up on this – Hey!" he shouted, for an incensed Willy had decided that, having reached the end of his tether, he would just use the tank.

"What are you doing with my tank?!" Triple M yelled. He got on the back of the tank and started punching it in a futile attempt to stop it just as Willy started to drive it in pursuit of Spriggs.

Looking around the tank, Triple M shouted, "_Get your paws off my tank!_"

While I watched the Specialist chase Spriggs, I could have sworn I heard him say, "That's it! The truce is off, you son of a bitch! I'm coming at you like a baby-making machine: balls to the wall!"

* * *

Assuming you haven't just skipped all the other records straight to this one, I think you know what happened next. So I'm just going to skip to the point where Vollin called me on my helmet radio just as the Fifth figured out our plan.

"Aw, fuck, now we're officially compromised," Vollin said to me over the radio. "Pull back to base! We need to get the ball rolling on Plan B!"

I felt confident that I wouldn't be found out. Besides, it wasn't like the Fifth could do anything about their situation, right?

I said to Vollin, "Actually…take your time. It would take a _miracle_ for anyone to find me out here!"

It was then that I felt a stunning blow to the back of my head. The horror struck me: I was being captured.

When I woke up, I blinked a few times to clear my vision before I looked at my surroundings. It looked like I was in some sort of other base…but it wasn't Zambai Seven. I hadn't thought that there were any bases in the area…this one must have been newly - and crudely - built. I found that my hands and feet were tied together, so I couldn't reach for my weapons. I then found that they had taken those too…and, from the fact that I was getting nothing but static in my helmet radio, it looked like they had disrupted that.

I looked around for my captors, but it wasn't long before someone struck me again and my vision went black.

* * *

_"What did you ask him?_" Soltri asked.

"_Man, something's really screwy with this translator!_" Rotri said, who tried hitting it a couple of times to see if it would work.

"_Rotri, you're made of fail!" _Soltri said irritably. "_Your translators are made of fail!"_

Rotri glared at him while Boltri continued to beat up their prisoner.

"_Get to work making another one, Rotri," _Soltri ordered. "_We're gonna figure out what he's saying if it _kills_ him!"_

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, I _kind of_ had to make up Rogir's first name and middle initial, but oh well. **

**Anyway, please Read and Review! I'll have the second part up at some point, once I get all the _really_ odd-sounding quotes sorted out.**


	8. The Heart of Dorkness, Part 2

**AN: Here's the second part. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Spriggs, Running Gun does. They're the ones that make money from the machinima, not me.**

**Chapter 7: The Heart of Dorkness, Part 2**

_Present day…_

"Man, this base goes on forever," Willy said, more to himself than the others as they walked back to Zambai from where they were. This didn't stop them from hearing him.

"Can we talk about something else?" Hammer asked, having just caught up to Willy, out of breath. "Or at least slow down?"

"Hmm…" Willy answered in mock contemplation. "Well, I could bitch a little more about _how we were left here to die!_" His voice had risen to almost a shout near the end.

"Oh, will you just drop it?" Hammer said irritably.

"Yeah, go annoy Spriggs for a bit," Meme told him, indicating the red Marine that had just driven in on the group in a Warthog.

"Ok, don't even get _started_ with me today, Spriggs," Willy said crossly. "I'm too tired today to be angry with you, so you can take that Warthog and either shove it up your ass, or get the hell out of here."

Spriggs shook his head, as if to say, "Whatever. Your loss," then he started driving back to base, just as Willy told him. He wasn't going to force them to get in the Jeep, and besides, if Willy was going to bitch about random stuff like that, he wasn't going to be the one to deal with it on the way back to the base.

Hammer and Meme, however, seemed to have only just realized that their only easy way back to Zambai was driving off, for they started chasing after him, trying to call him back.

"You know," Triple M said to Willy, watching them run off, "sometimes I think you're _trying_ to be a bastard."

"Oh, no, it's something that comes quite naturally."

* * *

Rotri sighed, bored. He had been guarding the prisoner for what felt like hours, and he still hadn't woken up! Meanwhile, Soltri and Boltri were off doing something that was at least remotely _interesting. _And all Rotri had to do all day was fix the apparently broken translators.

Rotri cursed them both silently. It wasn't fair that they got to do all the interesting stuff and he was stuck guarding the luggage and fixing the "faulty" translators. It wasn't _his _fault that they had crashed in the human base with no food; he wasn't _completely_ irresponsible...

Rotri was brought out of his reverie, however, by the sight of the prisoner, who had started stirring.

"_Look, he's waking up!_" Rotri shouted, calling his brothers down. Soltri and Boom Boom rushed down to the prison cell, eager to interrogate him some more.

"No! Please, _no!_" Rogir screamed as they approached.

"_I got the translator to work! Sort of,"_ Rotri said.

Soltri couldn't think clearly over Boltri's interrogating and Rogir's cries of, "I like me! I like me being alive! Nooo!"

Frustrated, Soltri yelled at him, "_Stop screaming and we'll kill you!_"

Rogir seemed to understand this – not that it helped.

"No! No, no, no, no! Alive is good! Alive is _very _good! Especially when it's _me_!"

Boltri whispered something to Soltri, who nodded and tried again. "_Stop screaming…_or_ we'll kill you?_"

That seemed to get through to the prisoner, who stopped wailing almost at once.

"_It worked!"_ Rotri said happily. Whether he was talking about the translator device or the other thing Soltri said, it didn't matter.

Relieved that something had finally decided to work out for them, Soltri ordered the prisoner, "_Take us to your leader!_"

"Are you kidding me?" Rogir said.

What nobody seemed to notice was that Boltri seemed to be the only one who could understand what the prisoner was saying.

Rotri checked the translator. "_'No translation," _he read, frowning._ "Try it again._"

"_Take us to your leader!_"

"Um…All your base are belong to us?" Rogir invented wildly. He mentally smacked his forehead. _Where did _that_ come from? _he thought.

"_What'd that mean?_" Soltri asked, turning to their technical expert, Rotri.

"_Calculating…_" Rotri said. He hesitated a bit as the translator figured out the human's speech. "'_You've been Pwned.'"_

Silence met Rotri's answer.

"_What, with a little 'p' or a big 'P'?"_

"_Big."_

"_Can I shoot him _now?" Boltri cut in, a little impatiently.

"_Sure, why not?"_ Rotri said, shrugging.

"_My pleasure!"_ Boltri said cheerfully as he primed the laser he stole from the humans. Aiming at the prisoner, he fired, but missed, as he was often prone to do. Surprised at his captor's attack and confused over what they were saying, Rogir started to panic again.

Soltri figured he'd try his trick again. "_Stop screaming and – "_

"_Or," _Boltri corrected quickly.

" – _or we'll kill you,_" Soltri finished. Unfortunately, the trick didn't seem to work a second time.

"Could you idiots kindly decide what you're saying?" Rogir said, finally saying something intelligible. "What you want, and what the _hell_ you're trying to ask?! Besides, if I can't understand you, I can't answer your damn questions!"

A surprised silence followed; that was the most that the Elites had gotten out of him, even though they couldn't understand a word he was saying.

"_What was that?"_ Soltri asked finally.

"_Calculating…"_ Rotri said again. He started reading off of the translation. _"Er...'Blah blah blah, you guys can't speak,' uh, 'go to hell, won't answer your questions.'"_

Soltri bristled. "_So you're refusing to talk, mother fucker?_"

Still confused, Rogir tried, "Do you guys even understand me? You no talk good."

"'_You guys talk funny,'"_ Rotri said, before Soltri could ask.

Soltri had had enough of this; it was clear that they weren't going to get anything useful out of this human.

Turning to Boltri, he said, "_Boom Boom…he's all yours._"

Boltri nodded. Taking out an energy sword, he activated it and walked slowly towards Rogir.

"Stupid inbred moron," Rogir spat. It was amazing how a human could be such a smart-ass in the face of death, especially about their captor's parents.

"_Hey, Mom and Dad were second cousins!_" Boltri replied indignantly. "_That's completely and totally legal!"_

"Second cousin?" Rogir retorted. "Is that what you call 'brother and sister'?"

Boltri's black eyes shone with malice. "_I'm gonna make this slow and painful._"

Rogir lit up. He had only just noticed that this one seemed to understand and speak English. He wondered how this one managed to learn the language, but he shook his head; now was not the time to be thinking about that.

He quickly pressed his advantage. "What would it take to convince you guys to let me go?" he asked. "Perhaps a…Klondike bar?" It was an offer that depended a little on chance; as far as he knew, Elites didn't really know what a Klondike bar really was.

It didn't seem to matter, however: after considering Rogir's offer for a moment, Boltri replied, "_But then I don't get to have any fun._"

Rogir stared in disbelief. "Who _are_ you guys?"

"_Well,_" Boltri said, indicating his brothers in turn, "_this is my brother, Soltri – " _(_"Hi!_" – Soltri) " – _and this is my brother, Rotri._" The purple one, Rotri, nodded in acknowledgement.

"_And I am Boltri Turner Scoutra Ithri Unn the Fourth,"_ Boltri continued, introducing himself last. "_Most people call me Boom Boom, but you…You can call me your Lord and Master."_

Rogir stared, though this time in skepticism instead of disbelief. "Did you make that up?"

"_Meh…I only made it up a little bit,_" "Boom Boom" admitted. "_Just everything after 'Boltri.'"_

"So, will you let me go?" Rogir asked suddenly, hoping to catch them off guard.

Boltri was quick, however. "_Oh, don't be silly! You're our first real prisoner of war!_"

Rogir looked at him suspiciously. "What do you mean by 'real'?"

* * *

_Soltri walked back into the base, an irritated look on his face. He had just been through another run of the human's base, and he _still_ hadn't managed to find any food there! How were the humans lasting so long without anything to eat? _

_He shook his head. That was irrelevant, and besides, he could always try again tomorrow. Maybe then they would get up off their apparently lazy asses and send in a request for a supply drop or whatever it is that the humans do for supplies._

_Suddenly, Boltri rushed up to him. He seemed excited, something that Soltri was worried about. The only time Boltri was ever excited was if he was either about to go into battle, or about to blow something up. Both scenarios were the _last _things that the Elites needed right now; for the time being, they needed to make sure the humans didn't spot them so that they could keep making food runs into the base._

_Fortunately, Boltri seemed excited for different reasons this time._

"_Hey! _Hey!"_ he said eagerly. "_I have a prisoner!"

_He held out the thing he was holding, but it was all he could do to not drop it, his hands were shaking so much from excitement. Soltri looked at Boltri's "prisoner."_

_It was a skull._

_Soltri stared at his brother, who was looking back at him expectantly. _

_"_I'm sorry. He's dead, Jim," _said Soltri, a hint of sarcasm in his voice._

_Boltri looked disheartened for a moment, but he rallied almost at once. "_Hey, that still counts!"

"No, not really."

* * *

Rogir shook his head again. This was all very interesting, but another thought had come to mind.

"Whatever," he said. "Point is, I _can't _be a prisoner of war."

"_Why not?"_ Boltri asked, apparently confused.

"Because we're at _peace_."

"_Yep, it's definitely on the fritz,"_ Soltri declared, certain that the translator wasn't working properly. "_I just heard him say we're at peace."_

"_Actually, he did,"_ Boltri confirmed, turning to his brothers.

"_Ha! Yeah, right!" _said an unconvinced Rotri derisively.

"We worked things out with the Arbiter," Rogir persisted, ignoring Rotri's comment.

"_There's a new Arbiter?_" asked Soltri, surprised.

"Your translators are working fine, you _moron_," Rogir told him. "The Elites joined our side after the Prophets _betrayed_ you."

"_Right_," said Rotri, sarcasm positively dripping from his voice. "_Next, you're going to tell us that the Arbiter and the Demon joined forces, hand in hand, to save their universe._"

Silence followed Rotri's prediction. _How can these guys be so _stupid_?_ thought Rogir.

"Uh, yeah, actually," he said aloud. "What, have you been living under a _rock_?"

"_Maybe,_" said Soltri cryptically.

"In fact," Rogir added, "I think you've been here about…" He paused for a moment to do the math, as they had apparently been here before he had arrived. "…Nine months."

"_Wrong!_" Rotri corrected smugly. "_It's been _ten."

Rogir glared at Rotri in annoyance for a moment before saying incredulously, "Man, this is even sadder than that Elite general that Triple M put in a tutu."

Boltri, who had begun to get kind of bored, suddenly perked up. "_Wait…which general?_"

"I don't know his name…" Rogir said casually, throwing out names that came to mind. "Togri, or Troggy…Trotri?"

The attention of the Elites was suddenly snagged at this last name.

"_Dad!_" They said in unison, much to Rogir's horror.

"Oh, dear God."

"_Hey!_" Boltri said to the human, suddenly angry at whoever had disgraced their father so. "_Who is this Triple M that you speak of, who _dared _to put our father in a tutu?!_"

"_What's a tutu?_" asked Rotri, who, like Soltri, knew next to nothing about human culture. However, this particular aspect of the humans' lifestyle was unknown even to Boltri.

"_I don't know, but it can't be good._"

"_We must avenge our father!_"

"_Hold on…Triple M?_" Soltri cut in, suddenly remembering something. "_I've heard that name amongst the humans. He's the red one, isn't he?"_

"_I think he was the green one from yesterday,_" Rotri suggested.

"_Hmm…one red, one green,"_ Boltri repeated. "_Guys, I have a plan. Based on my advanced studies on human culture, I'll need several cans of spray paint, and one very…_petite_…human." _He looked at their captive as he said this last bit, grinning malevolently.

Rogir gulped. Whatever they had in mind, he had a feeling that it wasn't going to end well for him.

* * *

Spriggs, Willy, Hammer, Meme, and Triple M had finally arrived back at Zambai, very weary and extremely irritable. Spriggs had had it easy; the Warthog he was driving saved him a lot of energy. Such was not the case for the remainder of the soldiers, who were forced to go the rest of the way on foot.

"Man, I feel like we've been walking for days," Hammer said, wincing at his unbelievably sore legs as he and the other Marines walked into the rec room.

"So tired…need bed…" said Meme, exhausted, as she flopped down on the nearest couch.

Willy, however, was annoyed for different reasons. "Hey, you guys are the ones who decided to chase after Spriggs," he said, apparently feeling as if they had no right to complain after their mistake. "Next time, let a _professional_ handle it." Nobody needed to ask who he was referring to.

Nonetheless, everyone stared at Willy for a moment.

"Willy," Hammer explained exasperatedly, "even if you _had_ managed to hit him – which, historically speaking, is pretty god_damned_ unlikely – the Warthog would have been destroyed."

"But it would have _stopped_," Willy countered, "which would have saved us a whole lot of walking."

"You can't reason with stupid," Meme said, before Hammer could open his mouth.

"Well, if we're all done insulting each other," said Hammer, changing the subject abruptly, "could we work on figuring out how the hell we're going to get out of here?"

Before anyone could throw in any ideas, however, the TV screen flickered to life, diverting the Marine's attention. An image of an Elite appeared on the monitor, one that looked oddly familiar to Meme and Triple M…

* * *

Back at the Elites' base, the fruits of Boltri's labor were evident in Rogir's appearance: the aliens had used the spray paint cans to change the color of the Lieutenant's armor, though they hadn't done a very good job of it. One middle section on his helmet was painted yellow; everything else except the visor was painted pink. Apparently, he was trying to go for the look of a certain video game character, though only Boltri and Rogir actually knew which one.

"_Humans!_" Boltri yelled through the microphone as the Fifth Battalion appeared on the monitor. "_Hey, humans!"_

When he was sure he had the humans' attention, he started reading aloud from the script he had written earlier. "_We wish to challenge you to a duel between your two greatest heroes at the following location. If you refuse, we will feed your Princess Peach – "_

"It won't work," said Rogir through gritted teeth.

Soltri silenced him. "_Shh! You'll ruin it!_"

" – _to your legendary villain, Mario!"_ Boltri finished, as if there had been no interruption.

Willy and the others looked at the image, then at each other, confused expressions on each of their faces.

Ignoring the rest of the alien's challenge, Willy thought for a moment, muttering, "Hmm…kinky cosplay, alien appearances, terrible dialogue…" He then said aloud, "Guys, we're in luck. We're either getting Cinemax or a live feed from Otacon."

"Oooh, Cinemax," said Hammer, clearly impressed. "_Nice_."

Meme sighed exasperatedly. "Can I keep you two evolutionary fallouts on task for two seconds?"

"Well, yeah, but…" Triple M said, not really paying attention to her words. He leaned in closer to the monitor, examining the image as if looking for confirmation of Willy's announcement.

"I mean, look at it," he said, in response to Willy's quizzical look. "I don't think this is Cinemax, I think we're getting Action Network."

On closer inspection, the image did indeed look more like Action Network. Hammer's face fell; Meme, however, knew that the thing they were looking at was neither channel, but a message from the Elites that they had run into the other day. She said nothing about it, though, on account of the fact that she found it almost impossible to explain the obvious to them. Besides, those Elites were complete idiots; they weren't much of a threat anyway. Why bother Hammer, Willy, and Triple M with that information?

"Willy, you fucked up again!" Triple M whined, turning to Willy, who didn't look remotely abashed.

"_You have ten minutes to decide,"_ Boltri finished.

"Man, this show sucks," said Willy. "I wonder what channel _Mythbusters_ is on?"

If the humans said anything else, Boltri didn't hear it, for the humans had abruptly changed the channel and cut off the connection.

Boltri smiled. Now all they would have to do is go to the place he mentioned and wait.

* * *

**AN: Alright, there ya go! The second part! **

**Yes, I KNOW that it's been a while since I've added a chapter to this thing, and I KNOW that I didn't add Rogir's monologue/report on the First Battle of Zambai VII (a.k.a. "the biggest military screwup in history"), but I've got everything else. I'll just replace the chapter once I've got it sorted. **

**At any rate, please Read and Review!**

**And, I've got a bit of an announcement to make.**

**See, the reason I haven't been updating lately is because I've just been so goddamn _busy_. I've been studying for SAT's for the past couple of weeks (though I finished the SAT's last Saturday), and NOW I'm just trying to catch up to the work that I didn't do in favor of studying for said exam.**

**AND, due to certain...personal problems (no details - hence the "personal" part), my parents MIGHT restrict my internet access until school is out (my mom is really strict, and I made her _pret-ty _mad...). I'm uploading this from the school computer - thankfully, they haven't set up a proxy for this website yet - but I can't write furthur chapters unless I have the episodes as reference. And if I can't access the internet...well, you get the idea.**

**So, it may be a fairly long while before I update this again. I'm not entirely sure yet, though. My mom might be willing to give me a second chance, though the likelihood of that happening is slim. And I'll need some time to get my life back in control (though I acknowledge that things could _probably_ be worse).**

**I just wanted to tell you all in advance so that you all don't start thinking that I've died or something.**


	9. Special Delivery

**A/N: Okay, from here on, this is going to be a _little_ more difficult to write, considering that episodes 8 - 12 have less humor and more plot/action, IMO. (The exception is chapter 9, but we'll get to that later.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own "Spriggs: A Halo 3 Machinima," but Running Gun Studios does.**

**Chapter 8: Special Delivery**

"Those rats!" said Willy loudly, apparently going into a rallying speech. "Those dirty, cold-blooded, black-hearted sons of bitches! They go abandon us, leave us to rot and die slowly, and the monsters don't even have the decency to give us basic - not even upgraded - cable! They even took away our one channel of Action Network!

"The freaking mungbeans," Willy muttered before continuing. "There's a time to sit, and there's a time to stand up and rip-"

"Sit down, Chairman-Mao," Meme said irritably. Willy looked at his would-be audience and saw that they had been playing cards instead.

"Hey, Hammer, got any twos?" Triple M asked Hammer.

"Nope. Go fish," Hammer replied, shaking his head.

Willy frowned. "What are you guys just sitting around for?! We've got people we could be killing!"

Ignoring him, Triple M turned to another player, clad in red. "Hey, Spriggs, got any twos?"

Willy started at the mention of his nemesis' name, finally realizing that he was there in the same room.

"What? _Spriggs?!_ Don't ask _him_, I'll kill him!" he shouted, priming his rocket launcher and aiming it at Spriggs.

"_No_!" the other three yelled in unison, moving between the two to act as a barrier between Willy and Spriggs.

"Willy," Hammer said fiercely, "put away the rocket launcher. We are in a room _filled_ with high explosives. You're going to kill us all, _again_!"

"Yeah, I've survived worse," Willy said dismissively.

"Haven't we had this conversation before?"

"Willy..." Triple M reasoned slowly. "We're all in the room this time. Including the doctor." Willy didn't stand down. "A doctor who will be very upset with you if she lives."

"Oh, this candy-striper over here?" replied Willy, indicating the medic with an overconfident smirk.

"You remember what happened to Hammer's face, don't you? Besides, who would you rather attack: the rats who put us here, or Spriggs?"

Willy paused while he considered this. On the one hand, killing Spriggs had, for the most part, been his top priority as long as they were stationed in the same base. On the other hand, he needed to get back at the jackasses that abandoned them here. But then there was Spriggs, who just pissed him off beyond belief, about as much as the guys at Command...

"Willy?" Meme asked, puzzled. Willy didn't answer. "Willy." She waved her hand in front of his face to try and elicit a response.

The internal struggle seemed to be too much for Willy's mind; his vision faded as his extremities started twitching violently.

"What's wrong with the retard?" asked Hammer exasperatedly.

Meme suddenly recognized what was happening to Willy. Laughing slightly, she explained, "I think he's having a stroke. His tiny brain just, uh...overloaded."

* * *

Willy woke up to searing pain and a shout of "Clear!" His mind, after recovering from the shock, concluded that someone must have used one of those AED things that he'd heard about. Blinking a bit to clear his foggy vision, he saw Meme standing over him holding the device, which explained the shout as well as the stinging residual pain in his chest.

"Oh...thanks," Willy said groggily, getting up off of the floor slowly. "Sorry. All I remember was you saying...something...yada yada in women talk, and then blinding pain. I didn't wet the bed, did I?"

"You're either really stubborn, really stupid, or both," Meme said insultingly.

"Or really kick-ass," said Hammer, who just had an idea. Grinning and struggling not to laugh, he said, "Don't you remember, Willy? The cartoon-porn freak over here asked whether or not you'd go after the people who stranded us here, or attack Spriggs."

It happened again: Willy's vision went black as he hit the floor again. Seconds later, he felt the searing pain again, accompanied by another "Clear!"

"Ow..." Willy groaned. "God, that's gonna put a dent in my manscaping..."

"Now, can we _please _not go into that topic?" Meme asked exasperatedly, looking pointedly at Hammer.

"Is that you, mommy?" Willy said feebly, still slightly delirious from the electric shock.

"So tempting..." said Hammer, still grinning at the mumbling Specialist.

"Whatever happens to him, I do to you, except _worse_," Meme warned menacingly, brandishing the AED again.

"Promise?" Willy asked quietly, a grin forming on his own face as well.

Meme shocked him again.

"Spriggs?" Meme asked over her shoulder while Willy was getting up. "I'm sorry, dear, but can you leave for a bit? I think Willy's going to be difficult today."

Spriggs complied and walked out of the room, contemplating over what he had just witnessed. This was a little different for Willy; he thought it was the only time he had ever seen him hate someone about as much as Spriggs.

_Well, look what his hatred of me landed us,_ he thought grimly. _Hammer got injured and permanently scarred, Meme got stuck here, and half the base is wrecked now._ He wondered if such vehement dislike could be used against the pricks that left them here for dead...Willy certainly seemed enthusiastic about it. Either that, or he was just eager to kill something. It was hard to tell where Willy was concerned.

A soft roaring sound brought Spriggs out of his reverie. It was only as it got louder that he recognized it as the sound of a Hornet's jet propellers.

_Wait a minute...Hornets?_ Spriggs thought. _Who's being transported here this time?_

He looked around for the source of the noise, slightly unnerved now. He spotted something that filled him with apprehension: About three Hornets were flying towards the base's outskirts, one of them carrying what was unmistakably General Vollin; Spriggs recognized her purple-colored armor. She seemed to have brought with her the soldiers of the First Intergalactic Semi-Mechanized Infantry Battalion, as well. Spriggs would recognize those colors anywhere; he was part of that particular battalion himself during the war with the Covenant, before he was transferred to the Fifth with Willy and the others for reasons unknown to him.

Spriggs knew enough about the First to know that they were definitely a force to be reckoned with; if they got to the base, they would wipe the floor with the base, they would wipe the floor with the rest of the Fifth, save for maybe Willy and Hammer. He couldn't imagine what _else _they had done to piss off the General so much, but he wasn't going to stand around and find out. He had a plan in mind, but he had to get to the landing site quickly.

As he passed by the unused guard post just above the gate, he picked up a sniper rifle that he had left there in case something like this had happened. Mounting his Mongoose, he left to track the Hornets to their landing site.

* * *

"Well, that will hopefully be our last medical emergency for today," Meme said, relieved.

"I certainly hope so," Hammer said. "Can we get back to planning session now? You know, the one where we try to figure out how we're going to escape this barren rock and get back to Earth so we can get back at the sons of bitches who put us here?"

"Right, so...about that..."

"What?" Willy asked.

"You know, Willy," Hammer said seriously, "I think it's time you introduced us to this contact of yours."

"I dunno what you're talking about," replied Willy, feigning ignorance.

"You know, the one who transports all this special freight to you from across the galaxy?"

"Can you ask him to bring a pair of Big Macs and some waffle fries when he gets here?" asked Meme, her stomach rumbling loudly. "I'm _so_ hungry..."

Willy understood what they wanted now, but he wasn't about to give it to them that easily. "Yeah, well, you could stand to lose a few pounds. Besides, it don't work that way."

Meme was prepared. "I'm willing to work something out..."

"Yeah, I don't think you are. But I'm telling you, it don't work that way."

Hammer, thinking fast, said, "Well, then, why don't you tell us how it _does_ work."

Willy hadn't expected this. He had run out of ideas; he'll have to tell them the truth...or part of it, anyway.

"Alright, I guess I can't avoid it anymore..." Willy said, defeated.

Turning to the door, he started crooning, as if to a baby or a small dog, "Come on little guy, come out...don't make me look like an idiot here," he added, his tone sounding more serious now.

Triple M, Hammer, and Meme looked at each other with skeptical looks.

"Uh, Willy?" Meme said. "I don't think you need too much help to look crazy." Triple M and Hammer agreed silently.

"Ha, ha, so funny..." Willy said under his breath. He continued to talk to whatever it was that he was calling. "Okay, little guy, joke's over. You can show yourself."

"Is this where Tinker Bell comes in?" Meme said sarcastically.

"Spriggs!"

"Don't start!" said Meme in an urgent tone.

"No, no, it's not like that," Willy explained quickly, shaking his head. "You don't understand. That jerk ran off with Spriggs again! He's a bad influence, I keep telling him that! But it don't matter anyways. It's not like he can fly us out of here."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" Meme asked.

"'Course, I have lots of ideas."

"Well," Hammer said resignedly, "we're open to ideas, even yours."

Willy smiled. "Well, there might be something I can use in the old sub-station. But I haven't been there in months...And I'll need the twerp..._And..._I'll need information. Oh yes," he added at their quizzical looks. "I've been waiting for this for a long, long time.

"Follow me! We have a prisoner to interrogate," Willy declared, walking out of the room.

"Uh, I've been blown up enough," Hammer said as Triple M and Meme followed Willy out the door. "I think I'll stay here."

"Alright, we'll go find out what he's up to," said Meme.

Triple M started and said, "'We'?"

"Thanks for volunteering," said Meme, turning to Triple M with a smile.

"Why do I open my mouth?"

"Because you're stupid, gullible, and prone to rash decisions?" Meme suggested.

"I deserved that."

"Well...Okay, you're not _as_ stupid as the company you keep."

* * *

Vollin was furious. The Fifth had always pissed her off with their complete and utter _incompetence,_ but this time, they had reached a new low.

Turning to her fellow members of the First Battalion, she started briefing them on their mission.

"Alright, men. You all know what we have to do. We lost contact with Rogir, which means, in all likelihood, that he was found out...captured...tortured in the most _unspeakable_ of ways...forced to talk...Finally, _disposed of._" The faces on some of the soldiers hardened at the mention of such atrocities; they must have been some of Rogir's friends...or at least close acquaintances. A satisfied smirk grew on Vollin's face; this kind of anger towards Rogir's captors was exactly the rallying force that she was going for.

Of course, she didn't have any idea whether the members of the Fifth were even responsible; more likely than not, she was just looking for an excuse to get rid of them for good.

Pausing for a bit longer to let the message sink in, she finished, "That means the Fifth went rogue."

Below them, Spriggs parked his Mongoose in the shadows of a large rock. The jet propellers on the Hornets were virtually silent, so it wasn't difficult to overhear Vollin's briefing. He didn't know who this "Rogir" guy was, but he must be pretty important to General Vollin for her to personally oversee the retaliatory attack.

Why she thought that the Fifth took Rogir, Spriggs didn't know. As far as he knew, nobody other than Meme had actually arrived at Zambai. He guessed that nobody told Vollin about the Elites that were stuck in the same general area; they were more likely to kidnap this guy. Now that he thought about it, he wondered if the Elites ever even knew what the hell they were doing sometimes. They looked slightly familiar, too...it was strange, but whenever he saw them, he found himself thinking about Triple M and Rainbow Squad...

Spriggs shook his head. There would be time to worry about that later. Right now, he had other problems to take care of.

Vollin gave the order to the pilots to land the Hornets near the river.

"Ok, gentlemen, we're here," she announced. "It's them or us, and I think you know how this ends. Let's show these guys what the First Battalion can do!"

This last order earned a resounding cheer from her soldiers. Once they quieted down, she led them towards the base, first going in the direction of the river.

Spriggs saw the whole thing through the scope of his sniper rifle. This was bad. The First seemed utterly convinced that the Fifth Battalion were responsible for the capture, torture, and disposal of this Rogir guy. He didn't think there was any persuading them otherwise now that Vollin had them rallied up. He tracked them over to the rocks near the river when he saw something else that surprised him a bit. A certain, split-jawed trio of somethings, on the other side of the river.

"Now, remember," Vollin told her squadron, "above all else, we _must_ retain the element of surprise." The soldiers nodded.

Right after she said this, she turned around and saw a trio of Elites on the other side of the river, each in a different shade of purple (or blue, in the case of one). They all seemed to be guarding a human soldier, who seemed to have been crudely spray-painted.

Boltri spotted the humans instantly. "_Hey, look, there's the humans!_" he said to his brothers. "_And you said they wouldn't show up_," he added, smirking smugly at their previously skeptical captive. Either he hadn't realized that these weren't the humans he had challenged, or he just didn't care either way.

"_Where? I don't see anyone!" _said Soltri, who promptly looked around for the arrivals.

"_Behind those rocks!"_ Rotri said. "_On the other side of the river and the burned tank!_"

Vollin didn't know what was going on, but she soon recognized the spray-painted captive to be a nervous-looking Rogir. She wondered for a moment why he had pink and yellow paint all over his armor, but this musing was dashed at the realization that she had either gotten the wrong people, or these guys were working for the Fifth. She was more inclined to believe the latter possibility.

Rogir looked past the Elites and saw the General standing there with a human squadron. A relieved expression formed on his face.

"General!" he cried. "Oh, thank _God!_ _Save_ me!"

Vollin shook her head in exasperation. It was just one thing after another: first the situation with the Fifth Battalion, then Rogir's capture, and now _this._

"Why does everything always happen to me?" she muttered irritably.

Both sides seemed to remember where they were and primed their weapons. They stood stock still at a standoff, each side waiting for the other to fire.

Finally, Rotri broke the silence by ordering for the first move. "_Open fire!"_ he ordered.

"_Wait, what?!_" Soltri said, turning to his brother with an alarmed look.

"_Wheeeee!"_ yelled Boltri gleefully as the two sides started shooting.

Spriggs watched the battle ensue for a bit. The timing of the Elites' arrival was perfect: they would unwittingly distract the General and her squad and buy him some time while he picked them off from a distance. He had hoped that the aliens would take out some soldiers as well, but they didn't seem to be very good at aiming: each time they fired, they missed their mark by a mile.

Taking aim with his sniper rifle, he pointed it at one of the human soldiers and fired. The bullet met its mark, taking the soldier down with a single well-aimed headshot. He kept going like this and took down two more soldiers. It didn't pain him too much to do this: When he was in the First Battalion, he was always picked on and overshadowed. He'd gotten better since then, however, and he wasn't going to hesitate to exact vengeance.

Vollin didn't notice anything at first; she was too preoccupied with fighting the Elites.

Rotri ran forward, throwing a plasma grenade at the humans. "_Come forth, human scum, and meet your doo-ahhhhh-!" _He would up screaming at the end because he fell off the edge of the rock and into the river a considerable distance below them.

Boltri stopped firing and looked over the side, searching for his brother. Finally, he heard a faint, "_Sorry!"_

Meanwhile, Vollin started giving orders to her men, who were still firing at the Elites.

"Left flank, everyone!" she ordered. One of the soldiers, Corporal Isaac Stevens, went the wrong way, taking the right flank instead of the left. "Your _other_ left, Stevens!"

After a few minutes, no progress had actually been made, except for the fact that some soldiers had been shot and killed.

"What the hell are you firing at?!" Vollin asked incredulously. "Answer me!" Another soldier next to her suddenly fell down, with a bullet hole visible in the back of his helmet.

"Oh, sure, go ahead and die on me!" she yelled irritably. It was then that she noticed something odd: though her soldiers seemed to be dropping like flies, it wasn't because of the Elites (on the contrary, the Elites were hitting anything _other_ than the humans). Looking around for the source of the shots, she spotted Spriggs over near a rock formation, sniping her men from the shadows.

If anything, this gave her another reason to wipe out the Fifth.

"Take down Spriggs!" she ordered, getting no response from her remaining men.

"Down Spriggs, _now_!" she repeated. This time, all the human soldiers turned to the red soldier, whose location was now quite obvious to them. "Forget these idiots! They can't hit the broad side of a _barn_ at this distance -" She was interrupted by one of the Elites sniping a soldier that was standing right next to her.

"Oh, damn, that was close!" she said fearfully, deciding to re-concentrate their fire on the aliens, who had evidently improved their aim considerably.

Soltri suddenly got more enthusiastic after his first kill. "_Boom! Headshot! Die, Earth scum, die!_"

Boltri and Rotri turned to their oldest brother proudly.

"_I'm so proud,_" the former said happily.

"_Big brother's growing up,_" Rotri concurred tearfully.

Vollin stood alone on her side of the river. Her entire squad was wiped out, save for herself, the only one left fighting these morons while avoiding fire from Spriggs.

"Well, ain't that just a _bitch_," she said crossly.

The Elites continued firing, paying no heed to the unfair odds.

"No, wait!" Rogir shouted futilely. "Stop! They're _friendly_!"

"_Sorry, can't hear you!_" Rotri said, feigning deafness but still grinning and shooting.

Suddenly, he felt an extra weight in his left hand. Looking at it, he saw that he had somehow caught a rough, egg-shaped green thing. It didn't look like it was a Covenant weapon, so he assumed it was human-made. He looked around to see where it came from and saw a red-colored human running off somewhere. Rotri assumed that the human had thrown it to him in an effort to help.

"_Hey, look what I found,_" he said, showing the object to Boltri, who was more of an expert in human weapons than he was.

Rogir, overhearing this, turned to look at the thing that Rotri was holding.

_Oh shit,_ he thought fearfully as he promptly distanced himself from his captors. He did _not_ want to be nearby when that thing went off.

_"Oh, look!" _Boltri exclaimed when he saw the object in Rotri's hands. "_A human M22 fragmentation grenade in pristine condition! Minus the...arming pin..."_ Dread flooded his entire body. Soltri seemed to be paying no attention to what happened, and thus continued firing at a determined Vollin.

"_Rotri?"_ Boltri said, sounding a lot calmer than he felt.

"_What?" _Rotri asked, worried at his tone.

Boltri threw calm to the winds as he told his brother urgently, "_That's a live grenade!"_

Rotri, confused, asked, "_What does that mean?"_

Boltri panicked. "_That means it's gonna go boo-!" _He was about to say "boom," but the grenade exploded mid-sentence.

Vollin noticed the explosion, but saw no sign of Rogir. She assumed that he had escaped while the Elites were distracted. Something else also caught her eye.

"Spriggs!" she said angrily as he came up around the rock and started running at her. "So, it's down to just you and me-!"

Spriggs didn't have time for another speech, so he shot her in the leg before she could continue.

"You shot me!" Vollin shouted, angry but immobile. "You pansy-ass bitch, you shot me!"

Spriggs had had enough; running up behind the General, he hit her in the back of the head with the butt of his sniper rifle.

He thought he had taken down all of them and thus eliminated the threat to the rest of the Fifth. So how come he couldn't shake off the feeling that he had missed something...?

His suspicions were confirmed as he heard one of the dead soldier's helmet radios receive a transmission. Another Hornet must have landed somewhere else; he couldn't imagine how he'd missed it.

**"Come in, General? Squad Two is in position, Squad Three is ready to commence operation."** A pause. **"I repeat, Squad Two is in position."** Another pause. **"Ma'am?"**

If there was anything else in the transmission, he didn't listen; he had already traced the signal back to the old sub-station and was already driving there on the Mongoose to take out the other two squads.

Rogir came out of hiding and evaluated the casualties, horrified. Spriggs had managed to take out an entire squadron of hand-picked soldiers from the First Battalion...and they were supposed to be the best! They even had General Vollin with them, though he wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

"The horror..." he said quietly. "_The horror..._"

He suddenly heard the General's irritable voice. "Oh, shut up and help me up."

* * *

Spriggs quickly but quietly rushed into the area where the sub-station was and parked his Mongoose behind a small cluster of shrubs, so that the other guys from the Fifth wouldn't be able to tell he was there. He didn't want Willy and the others to interfere; he was afraid that they would just fuck things up again, and Willy would be too focused on killing him to be of much use.

Looking through his sniper rifle's scope, he quickly scanned the area and found several First Battalion soldiers positioned throughout the station. He quickly took out a Spartan Laser that he'd hidden here (just in case) and, aiming carefully, fired the laser through two of the soldiers.

Meanwhile, Willy, Triple M, and Meme were walking to the sub-station, unaware of Spriggs' presence or of what he was doing.

Willy continued a conversation that they were having earlier. "What can Spriggs do that I can't? Your good old Willy!"

Not really following the conversation, Triple M suddenly heard a sort of loud buzzing sound, like the kind of sound that indicates someone being shot with a laser or something. He disregarded it, but became quickly suspicious when he heard another sound, one that didn't belong for some reason.

"Did you guys hear that?" Triple M asked of Meme and Willy.

The other two ignored him. Meme, still focused on Willy's topic choice, pointed out, "He has the ability to _shut up_."

"Overrated," Willy said dismissively.

Meme tried again. "He doesn't make stupid decisions that aren't thought out well?"

Triple M wouldn't be diverted from his concern. "No, I'm serious, guys, it sounded more like a - " He stopped again, for he had just heard that second sound again, the one that sounded kind of like someone being punched in the face.

"There it was again!"

"Yeah, it's this nutjob over here going - " Here, Willy made a series of nonsensical noises to emphasize Meme's lack of substantial argument. Meme glared at him.

"Think we should go check it out?" Triple M asked warily.

"Probably," Willy answsered. "But I'd rather have a _huge_ laser at my disposal first before doing anything about it."

"Agreed."

Meanwhile, the commander kept trying to contact General Vollin, a confused expression forming on his face. This was odd; the General had managed to maintain contact with them until a couple of minutes ago, then the line went dead.

"Are you there, ma'am?" he asked.

That was the last thing he said, for Spriggs chose that moment to stick him with a plasma grenade. It latched onto his head and detonated with a bright blue flash and a flurry of sparks.

Unfortunately, Triple M happened to hear the explosion, and he looked around frantically, definitely nervous now.

Meme noticed his disquiet. "Relax, nobody's trying to kill us."

"Yeah," Willy reassured. "Spriggs isn't anywhere near here."

* * *

**AN: Man, does it feel good to be writing again! I had run into some personal problems, and then school was being annoying again (I swear, some of my teachers are actually _trying_ to kill me or something), so I hadn't had a lot of time to devote to these. BUt, I'm back, so...w00t!**

**Yes, I'm aware that I might have screwed up some of the dialogue near the end, but I did the best I could considering that I haven't been able to refer to the episodes recently. The web browser that I've had to use for the past week or so doesn't seem to agree with the Spriggs website or YouTube for some reason. I'm gonna make the switch back to FireFox ASAP.**

**Anyway, please, R&R, everyone! Some positive comments and constructive criticism is always appreciated.**


	10. Major Pain, part one

**Disclaimer: I don't own Spriggs, Running Gun does. They make the money from making the machinima, I do not.**

**Chapter 9: Major Pain, part one**

The battlefield was silent where General Vollin and the First Battalion fought Spriggs and the Elites. Vollin had gotten Rogir to help him clear the bodies earlier, so no other humans remained in the area.

Suddenly, one of the Elites stirred. Soltri got up slowly, aching in various places.

"_Is everyone alright?"_ he asked his brothers, who were slowly getting up themselves.

"_I think Rotri landed on his head,"_ Boltri said, massaging his own aching head.

"_So no lasting damage?_"

"_From the grenade, no, but it will likely be very painful."_ Boltri was looking at Rotri as he said this.

Soltri was confused. _"What do you mean?"_ he asked. He followed Boltri's gaze to see what the problem was, and was surprised to see the condition Rotri was in: he was fine, except for the needles protruding from his chest.

"_Aw, man, does my chest hurt!_" Rotri said in a pained voice.

"_Really? I wonder why?_" Soltri said sarcastically.

Rotri looked at his older brother, confused. _"What? Is there something...wrong?"_

Soltri looked worried. "_We need to get those things out of you, right now!"_

"What _things?!" _Rotri asked in a panicked tone. He looked at his chest, and his brain then connected the "things" with the pain in his chest. A horrified look formed on his face. "_Oh, shit._"

_"So what do we do?_" Soltri asked, turning to Boltri, who was an expert in human weapons and would know of a solution.

_"Well, we're going to patch him up,"_ Boltri said. "_Those look like slightly modified M22 grenade fragments."_

"_I'll get the med kit,_" Soltri said, slightly dejected for some reason.

"_I've got spikes sticking out of my chest!"_ Rotri said frantically, as if to emphasize the problem.

"_Actually, they're explosives," _Boltri corrected.

Rotri choked. "_...Explosives?"_

_"Why'd you have to tell him that?_" Soltri asked.

_"I'm not quite through yet!"_

_"Guys, we've got a situation..._" Rotri said urgently.

"_Two more seconds,_" Boltri said, stopping Rotri before he could continue. _"There is, after all, _one_ more problem with the M22 grenade._"

_"Guys!"_

_"In a second, if you'll let me finish."_

_"I've got explosive needles sticking out of my chest!_" Rotri yelled, annoyed. "_What do you think?!"_

Boltri sighed. 'Why is it so difficult to talk to these two?' he thought.

"_Alright, then, I'll make it quick: the shrapnel shards are supposed to explode immediately after the first detonation, causing additional damage to the target. However, that grenade _must_ have been old, since the fragments have yet to detonate. In closing, it's probably best to wait before fixing him up._"

A pause followed his little lecture. "_Wait? For what?"_ Soltri asked.

As if in answer, the shards in Rotri's chest detonated, the explosion followed by a loud cry of pain.

_"That,"_ Boltri said. _"Okay, get the medkit and get to work._"

"_You guys suck..._" Rotri said weakly.

_"Stop cryin', bitch."_

_"Since when am I Soltri?"_

_"I love how you're ordering me around_," Soltri said sarcastically, turning to Boltri. "_Your last idea didn't exactly work that well_."

"_To the contrary_," Boltri pointed out, "_it worked rather well by my estimate._"

_"Bullshit!"_ piped Rotri.

_"I have to agree with Rotri on this one,_" Soltri said. "_All we got were a bunch of grey humans. I didn't see any red or green ones."_

"_Actually,_" Rotri said, having just remembered something, _"I saw the red one earlier._"

_"What?_"

"_He's the one that gave the grenade to me...He just pitched it into my hands...I thought he was trying to help."_

Rotri looked astounded. _"Good God, he _is_ more cunning than I thought! No wonder he captured Dad._"

_"Are you two old ladies done yet so you can _fix me up?!_" _Rotri asked impatiently.

The other two ignored him. Soltri said doubtfully, _"I don't know...I still think the green one is Triple M._"

* * *

Meanwhile, at the sub-station, Meme and Triple M followed Willy into one of the buildings. Other than Willy, Triple M seemed to be the only one that recognized the room; unfortunately for him, he was in here two days previously, when trying to open the door for Willy.

Willy stopped in front of a seemingly blank terminal. "We're here, gentlemen..." he said, "...to interrogate!"

Meme looked around and, seeing nobody besides themselves, asked, "Who?"

"You see," Willy explained, "through a series of logical deductions that make sense only to myself, I have found our culprit."

"Was it Professor Plum..." Triple M said, a slight hint of sarcasm in his voice, "in the dining room...with the hash pipe?"

"No, the computer!" Willy said impatiently.

As if in reply, the computer in front of them suddenly activated, its inner workings whirring to life as it said, "**Welcome to the Zambai Easy-Easy Operating System.**"

The computer just so happened to be the one that caused the death of Major Kake, and nearly killed Triple M when he had to use it two days ago.

"Um..." Meme asked warily, backing away slowly, "Triple M? Is he alright?"

"Oh, no, he's _fine_," Triple M answered, also backing away. "Last I heard, losing your mind _relieved _a lot of stress."

Willy turned to Triple M and Meme, an irritable look on his face. "Look, I'm no more insane than I usually am. Someone's been watching us, and there's only one thing here who could do it!"

On that note, he turned back to the computer.

"**Welcome to the Zambai Easy-Easy - "**

"Stop playing games, computer," Willy said fiercely. "I'm onto you!"

"**Would you like to play a game?"** said the computer. "**Tee-hee. ****Tee-hee."**

"Ooh...kinky, but I forgot the stirrups!" Willy said. It was evident that the computer wasn't going to admit anything without some...persuasion. "I think it's time to replace your operating system. Let's see, what do I have here..." He flipped through the various operating systems that he brought with him, in case he needed to resort to this. "Windows Vista, Windows XP..."

"**What?**" the computer said, slightly fearful now.

"Linux...Ooh, Windows Millennium!" he said excitedly, knowing that this would irritate the computer.

"**There are laws against that - "** the computer pointed out, before realizing its mistake. "**Er...um...Oh God...um...beep...**"

"HA! Busted!" Willy said triumphantly.

"**Um...er...bleep...Help?"**

"Who do you work for?!"

"**I do not understand - " **here, the computer bleeped several times. " - **understand your question. ****Activating neurotoxins."**

Meme and Triple M screamed in terror. Thinking fast, Willy knelt down and fiddled with a few wires and boards in the computer.

"Why must you do everything the hard way?" Willy muttered as he cut some wires from a certain board.

"**Go nerve gas!"** The computer said triumphantly, only to find that the nerve gas didn't seem to be working. It tried again. "**Uh...come on, nerve gas!" **Still no result. "**...Um...obibital bombardment!"** The computer became worried when that didn't work either. "**Um...anything?"**

Meme and Triple M looked at the computer and Willy. With a victorious look on his face, Willy stood up, holding what looked like a little black box with several severed wire ends on it.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said sarcastically. "Was that the modem to all of your doomsday devices?"

"**Beep."**

"Now _talk_!"

**"It was General Vollin, under orders from Central Command please don't kill me I beg of you - "**

"That's right," Willy said smugly as the computer spewed information. "Keep talking. Who's your daddy?"

Meme thought for a moment. This computer, murderous though it may be, seemed to have information directly from Command. Could it possibly obtain information that could confirm the reason behind their abandonment at Zambai VII?

"Willy?" Meme said, an idea coming to her. "Could you move over for a second? I want to ask the computer something."

Willy stepped aside while the computer continued to both give info and plead for its "life." When Meme stepped forward, however, the computer fell silent.

"Computer," Meme ordered. "Retrieve mission statement."

The computer beeped a few times before making a loud buzzing sound, one that couldn't mean anything good in Triple M's opinion.

"**404 Cannot comply," **the computer said mechanically.

Meme would not be deterred so easily; she would just try a different search vector. "Retrieve mission files from Central Command."

The computer beeped several times again, then said, "**I cannot reach the requested files."**

Meme looked disheartened. Willy said irritably, "And we were beginning to get along _so_ well, computer..."

The computer immediately sensed danger, and it quickly explained, "**I cannot comply because my connection to Central Command has been severed by someone from Central Command.**"

There was a pause.

"What...?" Triple M said, slightly confused.

**"Um..."** The computer said hesitantly, as if nervous to share this next bit of information. **"Did I forget to mention that we are under attack?"**

**

* * *

**

Author's note: Man, I don't think I did as well here as I usually do...for that, I apologize. It's partly because of school (I swear to God, I think my teacher's are _trying_ to kill me), partly because I'm a procrastinator who is trying to break the bad habit...and failing.

At any rate, please R&R this chapter, please!


End file.
